Crossroads

I sent him flowers for his birthday. It was really a small thing, but in some ways huge, and I just wanted to make the gesture. I want to act based on my own principles instead of reacting to what he does. The New Years plans are definite, at least for now. I never count anything for sure. He sent me a text today saying he had talked to a coworker for a couple of hours about our situation and was really glad we were going to see each other. When I didn't write back after about 20 minutes, he sent me a snappy text asking why I choose to ignore his messages. Wow. Emotional rollercoaster. In the spirit of not reacting, I calmly and politely responded. I haven't heard anything. Double standard. He may have already gone to bed, but still. I feel like there are different standards. He doesn't respond when he doesn't want to, then has an excuse and tells me I'm overreacting. But I'm the bad guy if I don't jump when he calls.

Feeling a lot of anger and apprehension about all of this. I'm afraid the nice birthday gesture kickstarted him into brief feelings of emotional longing and wistfulness, and that they're not real or lasting. I'm terrified of being more hurt than I already am or have been. I'm afraid of being kicked back into the even worse place I was in just a few months ago. I don't know how to avoid any of it or what to expect. But I have to do it and I feel okay about it for that reason. I'm also a little annoyed that I'm having to spend several hundred dollars on a plane ticket to leave a family gathering and then go back just because of this. Again, I have to do it, but I have spent so much money trying to see him or changing plans because he changed his mind this summer or buying a last minute ticket because he broke up with me in the middle of the night. Yes, there is much bitterness. And I may have to pick him up at a friend's house on the way there, which is going to be really awkward to see his friend when I'm also seeing him for the first time. I'm going to try to avoid that in advance.

I have two very close high school friends who are in town for Christmas and just found out that they are getting together with another friend of theirs who was somewhat of an adolescent enemy of mine. It seems petty and ridiculous to hold on to 12 year old meannesses, but she was truly horrible to me and is still an awful person. I don't trust her at all. She's spiteful and vindictive and I'm in a weird place right now and don't want to tell her personal information or have to feel worse about my situation because she is judging me and bringing up adolescent trauma and insecurities. At the same time, I don't want to avoid seeing my good friends just because this girl will be there. I would just be sitting at home, missing out, all because she's there. It seems so juvenile. And that somehow makes her win. But she's so so awful! I don't even want to be around her. I don't know what to do. My gut is to go. To handle myself with composure and grace and hope that shines through. I just don't know if I can handle that right now. I'm in somewhat of a fragile state. I guess I'll just see how I feel at the time.

In other news, I went out with a friend of mine this weekend and met a friend of her husband's and totally hit it off! It was somewhat brief and a little awkward at first, but we seemed to have things in common and the conversation was really natural and he seemed interested, and honestly it just felt so so good to have that kind of experience, regardless of what happens in the future. For that moment, it felt amazing. It felt promising. E actually called me while I was talking to this guy (which I did not find out until later, when I checked my phone). And in some ways that was coincidence. And in many ways I was just plain sad that I was talking to some random guy and being flirted with on my boyfriend's (because I oddly do still think of him that way) major birthday. It just felt awful. But that realization also made me more engaged with the new guy, T. Every time I started to feel a twinge of guilt or discomfort, I thought, "It is E's birthday and I'm not with him. Why would I hold back with a potential new person?" And so I didn't really. Of course it was awful weather, so I was bundled up and hadn't styled my hair or gone to any special, going-to-flirt-with-a-new-cute-boy lengths, but in some ways that was better. It was unexpected, and a nice surprise, and comfortable, and pressure-free.

It really was just such an amazing experience. It surprised me how amazing. And not because of him. It didn't have much to do with him at all. It was the promise of him, of boys (men?) like him. That other possibilities, other options, exist. There are normal, single, available people out there. I could go out, have a good time, have hope again. That was it. Talking to T restored my hope. I honestly think it will make things easier going into this trip with E. Because I'm not so desperate. I don't feel so desperate. I still feel angry, I still feel hurt beyond belief. But I think it will be easier for me to let go. I feel more confident. And not because of T, not because I think anything would even ever really happen with him, or because I need another person to feel whole. I don't even know him. It could have been one good conversation and then he turns out to be a weirdo. It was just the idea of him. It was the first time I have been able to entertain the idea of someone else and it felt liberating. I had the thought creep in that not only could I maybe eventually move on from this hell that I'm in, and the pain and disappointment and heartbreak I've experienced, but that maybe E is actually not the perfect person for me. Maybe the ideal is not that this is some blip in the road and we will end up happily ever after together because we have to and we're perfect for each other. Maybe the ideal is that things end with E, and that I could actually be happy, maybe even happier, with someone else. I could have new experiences and adventures that I wouldn't have had with E.

I've always always thought of him as the perfect person for me, and felt so lucky to have found him, and maybe that is still the case. I haven't given up on it, for sure, but it was a huge, huge experience for me to even think about someone else, to enjoy talking with someone else, to imagine the possibility of a new person and a different future for myself, to envision not only the end of heartache, but the promise of maybe an even better outcome. I've always known, or at least once the initial shock subsided, that I would move on from this, that I would have scars, but that I would live. I figured I would and could most likely even marry someone else, but I have not been able to alter the thought that I would inevitably and always hold the pain that I lost the love of my life. I thought I would always feel like I was settling for second best, that I had been cheated out of happiness, that I may never have a truly fulfilling marriage because I would always think of E, imagine who he was with, what he was doing, what adventures we would have had together, what his children looked like. I would always feel injustice, that my rightful place had been taken from me. I thought I would never get over THAT. And that may be true. And it may be that I end up with E and am blissfully happy. And it may be that I'm with E and miserable, that he loses his luster and sheen. But this was the first time I thought maybe I could move on and maybe, maybe, maybe feel like I lucked out, that I got the prize in the end, the happy life, the happy relationship, that maybe I would think, wow, this is even better than what I ever had or ever would have had with E. I never even entertained that thought before.

Anyway, so T asked for my number, which was totally uncreepy and natural, which in and of itself is an amazing experience and first meeting with a person. And I have actually found myself thinking about him, or again, the possibility of him, what he represents. I couldn't sleep last night and found myself almost smiling in my mind with thoughts of him, and then thinking to myself, "you're being insane, you don't even know this person!" But then I gave myself permission to just go with it, because it was really pleasant, and I deserve that. The point is not who this guy is, or if anything happens in the future. It's about giving myself the freedom to revel in the possibility of someone else. I have not had those thoughts in years. And it felt good. And empowering. So T, whoever you are, thank you for giving me that experience, for representing something I needed to experience in order to be a little more free.

I've hit a slump in the progress of accomplishing things. Which is frustrating. I couldn't sleep last night, and then slept in really late today. I'm leaving town on Friday and I don't have any Christmas presents, haven't yet finished applications, packed, done other random things on my 2 page to do list, etc. It just makes me so anxious every time I even have to face it. Because I'm not tired yet again, I may just try to go with it and stay up tonight doing the highest priority things. I have a tendency to procrastinate and not finish and not be ready and then feel even more anxious and have to rush around and miss sleep. It's a terrible pattern, and it's worse when I'm under stress, especially emotional stress. And if I can't do it tonight, I'll do it tomorrow and that will be okay too. I tend to put pressure on myself and view things as very all or nothing. Uncertainty and beginning without completion does not sit well with me. It's how I approach all things in life. Which is sometimes good and often is maladaptive. I need to be okay with slow and steady, with just keeping with something that needs to be done even when problems arise and delays ensue. Accepting the present while working towards change.