Venting Thoughts

I have been staying with my mother during this time of relative crisis. It has been nice to have the refuge and the absence of rent and the sometimes-presence of people. But it's also become a slightly dysfunctional situation. I am not sure if it's better to be here or to take a risky plunge and move to something else. Because of logistics I have to stay here for at least another month or so. She is sometimes fine and supportive, but can have a tendency towards moodiness and irrationality. It's a seesaw of added stress and added support.

I have been toying with the idea still of driving the 10 hours to see E. He is selectively responding to my text messages, which is frustrating, and reflective of his typical style of passive aggression. He avoids what he does not want to answer or address, without any further acknowledgment. I was thinking of going tomorrow, but I need to do applications that are due tomorrow, and I'm also nervous about the entire prospect. It has been comforting to have it as an option, but I'm just not sure whether to actually do it or not. I may go Tuesday. I'll see. I don't know what it would accomplish. If we spend New Years together, it would take away the anxiety of nothingness looming in the future. But it's been 3 months since we've even seen each other at all, and that was only briefly. We don't really talk anymore. It's horrible. Part of me hopes that driving there would make a statement, that maybe some clarity would come? Or that at least it would make the New Years trip less dramatic, fewer expectations. I just don't know when to stop hoping.

Actually, now that I think about it, as much as I'm beyond irritated that I am always the instigator of all things, the soother, the problem solver, and yet I get burned, the reality of my situation now is that I am inert, frozen, confused, in pain, and with a lot of unscheduled time. What do I have to lose? He sent me a text yesterday saying that he was really nervous about the New Years trip. That seriously pissed me off. I have no sympathy. He comes across as so weak. It scares me and frustrates me. At the same time, what good is waiting for him doing? I need clarity one way or another. This is potentially the rest of my life. This has been the focus of my life for over 4 years. It's not so easy to just let go and move on. In fact, it's impossible, despite all the professions from others to the contrary.