I feel like I am suffocating, vomiting, drowning all at once. I do not know how I am able to live through this much pain. It is incomprehensible. I spent three days with him. On an island. It was actually mostly amazing and extremely emotional. And then he told me he didn't want to be with me. That he was not going to ask me to move to where he is. I cannot fully process it right now. I cried so much my face is swollen. I feel nauseated, shocked, like someone is stabbing me in the gut with knives.
I can't believe I'm still in love with him. That he can still hurt me so much and does. I can't. Right now I am in denial. I had a plan to write him a letter every day. And to drive there in a couple of weeks. As of now I'm still going to do it. I dropped him off at an airport. I just checked his flight online just because I wanted to feel connected to him, to know where he is. I found out he lied to me about the departure time. By two hours. So he could get away from me sooner. My body is filled with knives. Somehow that lie is a lie on steroids. It is a lie that leaves me with even more unsure footing than I had before. I feel like I'm insane. Delusional. How could I feel something so strongly that he does not? I'm sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. And crying. It won't stop. I can't breathe.
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