Ugh!

Indecision plagues me! I did not drive. I tried to get things done last night. Went to bed at 3:30. Set my alarm for 6. And went back to sleep. I just couldn't do it. I think it was a good move. But it's still frustrating. After being so angry he sent me a text last night saying he had just gotten home from work, was pooped, and was looking forward to seeing me at New Years. That was it. It's like he has a personality disorder. Or mood disorder. Emotion regulation problems?

Just totally dismissed everything. And for some reason that made me more angry and made me not want to go there. Partly because it didn't feel like such an emergency. Partly because I've just been let down so many times. I just kept thinking he probably wouldn't even be there. And turns out he's not getting off work until around 9:30 tonight. I would have gotten so pissed and emotional if I were sitting in a cold car waiting for him to get home after driving 10 hours. Only to have him get up at 5 to go to work again. It really was a crazy move. I think it would have been setting myself up to not feel appreciated again. I have still not ruled it out in the future. It provides an odd sense of comfort and control to know that it's an option, whether I take it or not. And maybe that was another reason I didn't do it. It would be a last resort. I could only do it once. It would be really dramatic. And doing it now would take away the option. Ugh! It's still frustrating. Because I still feel like I'm just waiting.

Anyway, we are supposed to talk at 9:30 tonight. We'll see whether that happens, how punctually it happens, and how productive the conversation will be. I do not have high hopes.

So in the spirit of being more positive, I am going to focus on things I've accomplished, nice moments. I slept late this morning, which felt great. But to veer from the positive for a minute, it's really ridiculous that I stay in bed an average of 14 hours a day and that part of me enjoys it. But I don't think I really enjoy it. I think the avoidance of everything else is more tolerable than facing it, so by comparison it feels like a better option, even though in the long run it's not.

Okay, back to positive. I've done nearly everything I need to for my applications. It has been really tough emotionally. It's still going to be tough, but I've done the majority of the painful part that I can do right now. I had dinner with a really close friend and the two children she takes care of. It lifted my spirits. Gave me some perspective. Gave me motivation to persevere, to see this, all of this stuff right now, as a setback, a relapse, a temporary purgatory. I've had a couple of people tell me that this could be seen as an opportunity. I have no commitments, no responsibilities, only a world of possibilities in front of me. I never think of it like that. It's hard for me to. But I'm trying to do that. To embrace this seeming hell as a unique chance for reinvention and new chances and experiences. I realize that it's rare for anyone to have that. It's just tough when it's not in line with where you want your life to be. When you've spent years investing in a relationship, in a job, in a graduate program that you literally will not get any credit for. It's hard for me to see it as a move forward, as a new chapter, instead of as a major setback, a loss, a waste of time, accompanied by a huge amount of suffering. But I'm trying. I get the logic of it. Why not enjoy limbo while you're in it, right? I'm trying to give myself time to heal, while also working towards moving forward, out of the limbo.

I've been thinking about writing a post about goals, about how I would ideally envision my future, a fantasy, with parts that could come true, because it's been so blank for the last six months or so. I've always been hesitant about things like that, about counting on anything, because it can always blow up in your face at any moment, as I have just seen. But that is not a reason not to dream or plan. Because if you don't, you will live in fear. Yes, things can change, and inevitably they will. I think the key is to have an outline of a plan, but to keep it constantly open to alterations. Make it a living document. I will do it soon. I think it will be a good challenge for me, a leap of faith, a change in cognition, a realization of what it is that I really want right now.