Now

It's been awhile since I've written. I've had ups and downs at surprising levels, I suppose. Although what is surprising? I've become more grounded, I think. E is here this week. I sent him letters, 8 or 9. Letters. He wrote back twice by email. The first time he told me he wanted to see me while he was here, on his vacation. I said of course. I kept my sweet, placid demeanor. My at peace, centered stance. I was surprised by how unfazed I was by his response. Happy, content, moved, but unfazed. It was weird. But it just was.

I went to pick him up on Monday, just to see him, to spend time with him. And I was also remarkably unfazed by that. I have tried, since, and I've seen him 4 or so times, to stay calm, honest, centered. It has worked, pretty much, especially at first. But now I feel neglected, unloved, unwanted, unresponded to. I don't know what to do next. He leaves on Tuesday. I don't know what we'll say, what will happen, what my life will be like after that.

I went out to dinner with my mother and her friends tonight, while he went out with his parents. I don't like my mother's friends. They are amusing, and enjoyable enough, but extremely superficial, surficial. It disturbs me, often. It was uncomfortable. And one of her friends' daughter has a baby, a five month old, with my name, which I find odd. No one else did. That's a different story. But it was odd. And she was talking about her daughter, this girl I used to know, and her baby, and how things were with her, and I nodded and tried to be in a zen place of acceptance and understanding and acknowledgment, and to some extent I was. And then the woman next to me says, oh, so you two are the same age? and she has a baby? ha ha...no pressure or anything, right? and i was thinking how inappropriate this was. and then my mother kept repeating it, and i could tell that it bothered her, which bothered me too.

Because I am on a quest right now, to be a strong, independent-minded, whole, centered, person. A person, not just a woman, not just a child, not just a girlfriend, or employee, or any other label. I am trying to be me. And I would like to have support to do that. I would like for my life to be validated. I would like my mother, and my boyfriend who's not really my boyfriend to get me, to understand me, so I don't have to hide anything, I don't have to dance around issues, I don't have to beg for sympathy, I don't have to worry about being abandoned. I'm sick of it! sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i want to get married, to have children, to be in love, to have the career that i want, and i also want to be able to be a happy person without all of that, to have those things only add to my life, to not define me. and i feel like i have no support in that endeavor. and i don't know if E is capable of filling that role. I don't know if he is capable of true support, understanding, selflessness. I don't know if he's the person I seek. I know that he's the closest I've found. I know that i feel constantly that i have to convince him, that its not natural, that its exhausting. that i've had this nagging sense that it isn't real, that he isn't really in it, doesnt talk about a future, doesnt make signs of a commitment, and that then he abandoned me, in the weakest, most immature way imaginable. and that it feels now like i cant get angry with him for this, that i cant bring it up bc he's too goddamn fragile. he'll break. he'll leave me. he doesn't care enough.

and i have held out hope through our entire relationship that this would change, that he would reach out to me, and it hasn't, not permanently, not substantially.

i'm tired of being angry, being bitter. for awhile i can extend myself, sacrifice myself, see how this plays out without argument and dissent as a convenient excuse. i can do it bc i think it will help me move on with my life, whether with him or someone else, or alone. just to live. i need to not feel regret and what ifs. i need to know reality, the truth, to at least attempt to break through to him even if its not really possible.

i am trying to see this time, this experience, as a gift. this is life. it has been given to me. it is challenging, disappointing. but it is life!!!!!! life!!!! and i'm going to celebrate it, appreciate it, make the best of it. find love. real love. real intimacy and connection. because i think thats the most rewarding experience of life. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself. i'm going to get this out here, process it, proceed in the way that i want to proceed, in the way i want to be perceived right now. i'm going to see what is possible, what will happen. i'm going to love with abandon, including myself, because that is the only way that will bring me answers, clarity and fulfillment.

13 Days

It's been 13 days. I am staying afloat. But that's mostly all. My brother was here. He just left and I'm sad. It helped to have him here. I have now sent 6 letters to E. I really did send them without any expectation of a response. In fact, for the first few days, I would have been shocked if I'd received one. That has changed. It is starting to hurt me. I've gotten nothing back. They were nice letters. They were only positive. I'm going to send 3 more, including a package, maybe zucchini bread. I'm going to make him a crossword puzzle. And a glittered picture of us. And then he will be here, on his vacation. Or at least part of it here. And I want him to come to me, to come find me.

I just wonder what he's thinking when he gets home every day and there's another letter from me. More and more and more. What does he think? How does he react? Does he smile? Feel annoyed? Stressed? Does he read them? Reread them? Keep them? Throw them away? Rip them up? Does he think of me before he falls asleep? During the day? Is he lost and confused or is he planning to do something? Will he ever write me back? Call me while he's here?

If he doesn't find me while I'm here. If he doesn't call or come by or see me, I will be devastated. In fact, I think that week is going to be tough, waiting for him. But regardless, I'm going to go to him. I'm going to drive there after his vacation. I have to. Even if I'm devastated. Maybe because of it. I'm walking through fire. I need a way to heal.

Bliss of Sleep?

My life is repeating itself all over again. I've wasted months of it! I spent all of July and August and September in a haze, and October and November and December, and now January? Worse? In a haze! Again! My head is spinning. I don't know what to think, what to do. Is it a matter of effort? Mere miscommunication? Fundamental absence of love? I asked him what I could do. He wouldn't give me anything. Nothing. I woke up this morning with stabbing knives in my abdomen again. They came back to find me. I am incapacitated. Miserable. Is he making excuses? Has he held back the whole time because of excuses? Can you allow real love to just drift away? I feel sick. Raw. Hurt. And I can't call him. Never really could. He's never there. And feels smothered by the attention I did give him, by the times we actually could be together. He was always running away. From the very beginning. Physically and emotionally. What do I do about that?

Right now I breathe. And make sure I eat. And stay hydrated. And not cry. Because crying will just give me a headache. It's cloudy outside. It's awful. And miserable. The world feels empty.

Extreme Extreme Extreme Setback

I feel like I am suffocating, vomiting, drowning all at once. I do not know how I am able to live through this much pain. It is incomprehensible. I spent three days with him. On an island. It was actually mostly amazing and extremely emotional. And then he told me he didn't want to be with me. That he was not going to ask me to move to where he is. I cannot fully process it right now. I cried so much my face is swollen. I feel nauseated, shocked, like someone is stabbing me in the gut with knives.

I can't believe I'm still in love with him. That he can still hurt me so much and does. I can't. Right now I am in denial. I had a plan to write him a letter every day. And to drive there in a couple of weeks. As of now I'm still going to do it. I dropped him off at an airport. I just checked his flight online just because I wanted to feel connected to him, to know where he is. I found out he lied to me about the departure time. By two hours. So he could get away from me sooner. My body is filled with knives. Somehow that lie is a lie on steroids. It is a lie that leaves me with even more unsure footing than I had before. I feel like I'm insane. Delusional. How could I feel something so strongly that he does not? I'm sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. And crying. It won't stop. I can't breathe.