Crossroads

I sent him flowers for his birthday. It was really a small thing, but in some ways huge, and I just wanted to make the gesture. I want to act based on my own principles instead of reacting to what he does. The New Years plans are definite, at least for now. I never count anything for sure. He sent me a text today saying he had talked to a coworker for a couple of hours about our situation and was really glad we were going to see each other. When I didn't write back after about 20 minutes, he sent me a snappy text asking why I choose to ignore his messages. Wow. Emotional rollercoaster. In the spirit of not reacting, I calmly and politely responded. I haven't heard anything. Double standard. He may have already gone to bed, but still. I feel like there are different standards. He doesn't respond when he doesn't want to, then has an excuse and tells me I'm overreacting. But I'm the bad guy if I don't jump when he calls.

Feeling a lot of anger and apprehension about all of this. I'm afraid the nice birthday gesture kickstarted him into brief feelings of emotional longing and wistfulness, and that they're not real or lasting. I'm terrified of being more hurt than I already am or have been. I'm afraid of being kicked back into the even worse place I was in just a few months ago. I don't know how to avoid any of it or what to expect. But I have to do it and I feel okay about it for that reason. I'm also a little annoyed that I'm having to spend several hundred dollars on a plane ticket to leave a family gathering and then go back just because of this. Again, I have to do it, but I have spent so much money trying to see him or changing plans because he changed his mind this summer or buying a last minute ticket because he broke up with me in the middle of the night. Yes, there is much bitterness. And I may have to pick him up at a friend's house on the way there, which is going to be really awkward to see his friend when I'm also seeing him for the first time. I'm going to try to avoid that in advance.

I have two very close high school friends who are in town for Christmas and just found out that they are getting together with another friend of theirs who was somewhat of an adolescent enemy of mine. It seems petty and ridiculous to hold on to 12 year old meannesses, but she was truly horrible to me and is still an awful person. I don't trust her at all. She's spiteful and vindictive and I'm in a weird place right now and don't want to tell her personal information or have to feel worse about my situation because she is judging me and bringing up adolescent trauma and insecurities. At the same time, I don't want to avoid seeing my good friends just because this girl will be there. I would just be sitting at home, missing out, all because she's there. It seems so juvenile. And that somehow makes her win. But she's so so awful! I don't even want to be around her. I don't know what to do. My gut is to go. To handle myself with composure and grace and hope that shines through. I just don't know if I can handle that right now. I'm in somewhat of a fragile state. I guess I'll just see how I feel at the time.

In other news, I went out with a friend of mine this weekend and met a friend of her husband's and totally hit it off! It was somewhat brief and a little awkward at first, but we seemed to have things in common and the conversation was really natural and he seemed interested, and honestly it just felt so so good to have that kind of experience, regardless of what happens in the future. For that moment, it felt amazing. It felt promising. E actually called me while I was talking to this guy (which I did not find out until later, when I checked my phone). And in some ways that was coincidence. And in many ways I was just plain sad that I was talking to some random guy and being flirted with on my boyfriend's (because I oddly do still think of him that way) major birthday. It just felt awful. But that realization also made me more engaged with the new guy, T. Every time I started to feel a twinge of guilt or discomfort, I thought, "It is E's birthday and I'm not with him. Why would I hold back with a potential new person?" And so I didn't really. Of course it was awful weather, so I was bundled up and hadn't styled my hair or gone to any special, going-to-flirt-with-a-new-cute-boy lengths, but in some ways that was better. It was unexpected, and a nice surprise, and comfortable, and pressure-free.

It really was just such an amazing experience. It surprised me how amazing. And not because of him. It didn't have much to do with him at all. It was the promise of him, of boys (men?) like him. That other possibilities, other options, exist. There are normal, single, available people out there. I could go out, have a good time, have hope again. That was it. Talking to T restored my hope. I honestly think it will make things easier going into this trip with E. Because I'm not so desperate. I don't feel so desperate. I still feel angry, I still feel hurt beyond belief. But I think it will be easier for me to let go. I feel more confident. And not because of T, not because I think anything would even ever really happen with him, or because I need another person to feel whole. I don't even know him. It could have been one good conversation and then he turns out to be a weirdo. It was just the idea of him. It was the first time I have been able to entertain the idea of someone else and it felt liberating. I had the thought creep in that not only could I maybe eventually move on from this hell that I'm in, and the pain and disappointment and heartbreak I've experienced, but that maybe E is actually not the perfect person for me. Maybe the ideal is not that this is some blip in the road and we will end up happily ever after together because we have to and we're perfect for each other. Maybe the ideal is that things end with E, and that I could actually be happy, maybe even happier, with someone else. I could have new experiences and adventures that I wouldn't have had with E.

I've always always thought of him as the perfect person for me, and felt so lucky to have found him, and maybe that is still the case. I haven't given up on it, for sure, but it was a huge, huge experience for me to even think about someone else, to enjoy talking with someone else, to imagine the possibility of a new person and a different future for myself, to envision not only the end of heartache, but the promise of maybe an even better outcome. I've always known, or at least once the initial shock subsided, that I would move on from this, that I would have scars, but that I would live. I figured I would and could most likely even marry someone else, but I have not been able to alter the thought that I would inevitably and always hold the pain that I lost the love of my life. I thought I would always feel like I was settling for second best, that I had been cheated out of happiness, that I may never have a truly fulfilling marriage because I would always think of E, imagine who he was with, what he was doing, what adventures we would have had together, what his children looked like. I would always feel injustice, that my rightful place had been taken from me. I thought I would never get over THAT. And that may be true. And it may be that I end up with E and am blissfully happy. And it may be that I'm with E and miserable, that he loses his luster and sheen. But this was the first time I thought maybe I could move on and maybe, maybe, maybe feel like I lucked out, that I got the prize in the end, the happy life, the happy relationship, that maybe I would think, wow, this is even better than what I ever had or ever would have had with E. I never even entertained that thought before.

Anyway, so T asked for my number, which was totally uncreepy and natural, which in and of itself is an amazing experience and first meeting with a person. And I have actually found myself thinking about him, or again, the possibility of him, what he represents. I couldn't sleep last night and found myself almost smiling in my mind with thoughts of him, and then thinking to myself, "you're being insane, you don't even know this person!" But then I gave myself permission to just go with it, because it was really pleasant, and I deserve that. The point is not who this guy is, or if anything happens in the future. It's about giving myself the freedom to revel in the possibility of someone else. I have not had those thoughts in years. And it felt good. And empowering. So T, whoever you are, thank you for giving me that experience, for representing something I needed to experience in order to be a little more free.

I've hit a slump in the progress of accomplishing things. Which is frustrating. I couldn't sleep last night, and then slept in really late today. I'm leaving town on Friday and I don't have any Christmas presents, haven't yet finished applications, packed, done other random things on my 2 page to do list, etc. It just makes me so anxious every time I even have to face it. Because I'm not tired yet again, I may just try to go with it and stay up tonight doing the highest priority things. I have a tendency to procrastinate and not finish and not be ready and then feel even more anxious and have to rush around and miss sleep. It's a terrible pattern, and it's worse when I'm under stress, especially emotional stress. And if I can't do it tonight, I'll do it tomorrow and that will be okay too. I tend to put pressure on myself and view things as very all or nothing. Uncertainty and beginning without completion does not sit well with me. It's how I approach all things in life. Which is sometimes good and often is maladaptive. I need to be okay with slow and steady, with just keeping with something that needs to be done even when problems arise and delays ensue. Accepting the present while working towards change.

Sang a Christmas Carol

That was progress. The sun was out today and I drove to the beach for a walk and some vitamin D and I actually sang along in the car to a Christmas song. It struck me even at the moment that that was maybe the most lighthearted I had felt in six months. Wow. I cannot believe it's been that long. Seriously unbelievable. It's so depressing.

So I was going okay with my plan that I posted about last time, except that I failed to take note of the fact that boeuf bourguignon takes 8 hours to make. I made it. And an orange Bavarian cream. Which all sounded lovely, but it took forever and, disappointingly, neither tasted fabulous. I then started feeling sorry for myself and watched TV movies until 6 AM. Yes. 6 AM. Not a good move. I started crying uncontrollably. Definitely harder than I've been able to cry in 6 months, which made me mad at myself and feel sorry for myself at the time, but maybe in the end it was cathartic? I don't know. I slept fitfully and into most of the next day and woke up with a pounding headache. Stayed in bed nearly the whole day feeling completely miserable.

Forgive relapses. That's what I keep telling myself. When I finally hit a wall of boredom or sadness or something along those lines, I made myself take a bath, which seemed a cliche thing to do, but actually did help, and at least snapped me into semi-awareness. I spent most of Monday in bed, too, despite the best of intentions, but then went to dinner with the friend I was supposed to spend time with Sunday, but didn't because I couldn't get out of bed. Wow this is bad. She revived me. Not her, but just getting out and having a conversation with someone. And her mother started texting her panicked and in the midst of a crisis, which sort of put my life in perspective, but also did not do much to sustain my faith in marriage. She has been married for something like 35 years, and her husband is apparently still, or maybe newly, being a colossal dickhead. So upsetting.

Today I was somewhat back on track. I woke up at a decent hour even though I didn't want to, because I had to drive my mom to get her car fixed. It was sunny and rejuvenating. I felt so much better all day. Maybe getting up early is a key? I just don't know how to make myself do it. I set my alarm every morning for 8:00, but I just hit it and go back to sleep. It never works. Anyway, I resumed beach walking today, which was good for my soul and definitely energizing. Later in the day I started to feel deprived of social interaction and sort of alone, which was tough. I called a friend, but she was in the middle of things. I made some progress on my applications, though not nearly as much as I needed to, but that's not the point. I'm trying to be proud of small steps. It was a vast improvement from staying in bed all day with a sobfest hangover.

The latest news is that E has suggested going away for New Years. Actually, that is not correct. I pushed and cajoled him into it, which I am on some level ashamed of, but I'm also taking the nothing to lose approach right now. I don't want to have any regrets. He won't take action and I'm immobilized in the process. It has to stop. I told him my fear was that he would back out of the trip and that nothing would change afterwards. He reassured me that he would not back out of the trip, but said he could not reassure me of anything else, that he was tired of the stress of decisions and wanted to take it a step at a time. Okay, so this instantly terrifies me. Am I being a complete moron? Am I walking into a non-deliberate trap? I'm going to go there and get close to him again and nothing will change and I will be living in hell and be sent several steps back in this process.

On the other hand, it's at least time to see him, uninterrupted, which we have not had since I can't even remember when. The closest thing was last New Years, but we were with friends for all but a couple of days of it so I don't even really count that. This would be three to four days of uninterrupted us-ness. I hate to admit it, but it sounds blissful to me. Even after all this. That either makes me a pathetic masochist or it's a sign that there is something real and meaningful to this, to us. I've always had the feeling that if we could just be together things would be okay. But he does not seem to share that sentiment. And he is actively, and has actively, prevented that togetherness from happening. And he still seems to be dragging his feet. It all seems so illogical, but that's why I think I keep getting myself in this situation over and over again. Because I keep thinking that something has to change this time because the pieces don't add up, but there have to be pieces I'm just not seeing. So should I prepare myself for the worst but go anyway? Hope for the best, give my all and enjoy it? Refuse to go, which by default would probably end the relationship for good. Although, interestingly he didn't want to go anywhere with me initially because he thought it would be too stressful. I had to convince him. God, this is so depressing.

I have to go. I may regret it, but I feel I have no choice. My goal will be resolution, however that has to happen, in whichever direction it will happen. Yes, it's scary and I may be committing emotional suicide. But my gut is telling me to do it anyway. And it may scar me even farther, but I'm not sure how that's possible. And even if it is, it won't kill me. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane. I feel like I am pouring water out of a bottle and it is defying gravity, floating up instead of pouring out. The outcome is so baffling and bizarre that I assume it must be a fluke and so keep pouring and pouring, assuming this time that it will drop out of the bottle. But I'm failing to miss that I have somehow, inexplicably, entered an anti-gravity chamber, remote a possibility as that may seem. And so all my attempts are futile. The outcome and explanation are complete outliers, making them unlikely, but plausible, and unfortunately, mind-bogglingly real and true.

My inability to change the situation may lead me to resort to finger crossing and prayers. Which will undoubtedly fail, but maybe at least I'll gain insight into the situation by going? I'm hoping. I've spent over 4 years with this person and never saw this coming, but maybe now I will look for different things, ask different questions. I am just hoping, hoping that A) he will not back out, B) we will not spend the whole time either fighting or in silence, and C) that there is some resolution, some clarity and change in both heart and circumstance afterward. And if I dare, D) that he will somehow break through all communication barriers, emerge doubt-free, seek intimacy and be the committed and doting partner that I have always envisioned him being. I'll let you know how those turn out.

Day Two

I called him. I couldn't help it. I fell asleep right after talking to a very good and patient friend late last night and so never turned my phone off. I woke up very early this morning (not at all like me) and very suddenly. At that moment sleep seemed like an escape. All I wanted was to be able to go back to sleep because then I wouldn't think about him. I wouldn't feel the pain. I reached for my phone out of instinct and saw that there were still no messages and just lost it. Without thinking it through I dialed him and got his voicemail. I knew he was at work (he works very early and has very long days). It surprised me, but I felt somewhat better. I was actually able to fall back asleep.

A couple of hours later he texted me. I literally sighed with relief. He didn't say much of anything, but just acknowledged that I had called. I asked him why he hadn't called me. He said because he was a wreck, that he was miserable and depressed and catatonic and had lost control of his emotions. I hate to admit this, but I was glad to know he was so distraught. Because it made him human. It made what we had real. It validated it. You don't feel that kind of pain over someone you didn't care about. I didn't feel so alone in my suffering, even if he wasn't reaching out to me. It was also refreshing to feel sympathy instead of anger for a moment. Anger is exhausting. I wrote him a very long text telling him I felt out of options, that I felt forced to cut off communication with him, even though it was killing me and was not what I wanted. He didn't respond. Several hours later I turned off my phone. It is still off and will stay that way tonight.

I ran errands this afternoon (it took me most of the day to get up enough energy even to do that) and felt hope again for an instant. I'm not sure if I'm delusional, or a masochist, or just exceptionally and uncharacteristically optimistic, but I felt an inkling of hope. It gave me a little bit of energy. Maybe it was talking to him, knowing he was so upset about this, and that that might lead him not to give up. Maybe it's for survival, because without it I would not be able to get out of bed. I don't know, but right now I can't control it. But maybe it's keeping me in limbo? I just can't let go. As much as I wish I could, I can't, because it's not what I want. At least it's not what I've wanted. He is about a nine hour drive from where I currently am. I thought about driving there. Just showing up at his door to see what happened. Part of me is too scared of more rejection and emotional turmoil, of engaging in the act of a desperate, crazy person. But having the thought, having the option, oddly provided comfort. It gave me a tiny bit of control. I don't have to do it, but it's comforting to know that if things become more dire, if I feel more desperate, I could do it. What's the worst that could happen? It won't kill me. And I'm not sure how it could be worse than what I've gone through, worse than what I feel right now.

Short term goals. Right now I am trying to be nice to myself. To eat enough, to try to sleep, to limit my stress. I have to get myself back up to baseline to be able to move forward, to make progress. It's almost like I've fallen below the level of limbo, like I have to work through limbo first to be able to move beyond it. God, this is moving so slowly. Time is speeding and creeping at the same time. I am inert, and yet this is my life. This is how I'm spending it, this day, these months. It's so depressing. I feel like I'm taking baby steps forward and then being shoved back even farther than where I started.