Setback/Dealing with the Problem

So all day I've been thinking that I am not going to drive tomorrow, that it is not worth it, would accomplish nothing. Then I texted E, who has a major birthday in a couple of days, and asked what he was doing for it, just out of curiosity, just to ask, even though he has not responded to several of my other questions. He said he hoped his brother would come in town. Okay, maybe I am being somewhat out of line. He has a right to see his brother, and we are in this terrible not talking to each other situation. And then I thought, hell no! He's the one who put us in this situation! And now he wants to spend his birthday with his brother?! I mean yes, if I were there it probably would be tense and awkward, but that is a tragedy, and attributable to his bad choices and inaction.

Anyway, I sent him a text, which I thought was relatively inoffensive and well-worded, pointing out the fact that he has not prioritized me at all and does not see our situation as an emergency, etc. He wrote back the angriest text message (as angry as you can be in a text message) that I have ever seen. Well that was not my intention. That just makes things worse. And yet, at the same time, why should I have to tiptoe around his fragility? I'm angry too. I'm not allowed to express that without him becoming irrevocably offended? He even pulled the maybe we shouldn't go on our trip card. After I told him my fear was that he would back out. This is what he always does. When he can't handle a situation or his emotions he just leaves. Threatens, abandons. Without regard for those around him. Of course if I said that to him he would probably lose it. The strange part is that his anger is not eruptive. It is avoidant and passive aggressive, which in some ways is even more frustrating and infuriating.

I have more applications due today, in a few hours, which is a really emotional experience for me because I am now applying to graduate programs for the third time. And part of the reason I originally decided to transfer was to go where he is. So I'm still filling out applications where he is, to programs I would definitely never ever be interested in otherwise, and it's just a completely infuriating experience. He has serious relationship skill and communication deficits. How I didn't more clearly see that before, I am not sure. Now I am anxious and agitated and thinking that maybe I will go there after all. Tomorrow. It may be a terrible idea, but I'm going crazy just sitting here and things are getting worse. And it's not like I'm punishing him. I'm suffering too. And why do that to myself?

The awful part, among other things, is that I don't want to tell anyone I'm going. I don't want them to judge, advise me, discuss amongst themselves, ask later how it went. It's just too much. Which makes it a very isolating and somewhat illicit experience, which blows. That is not what I want. But I feel I have no choice.

Another sad part of this is that a part of me is numb. A part of me is starting to think maybe I would be better off without him, without this, that I could actually be happier. It's fleeting. But it's there. Is that a sign that I'm moving on? Is this progress? Something positive? Or not? It makes me sad that I don't care more now. Really sad. But maybe I do and it's dormant?

Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about going. About driving so far and for so long and about seeing him and what I'll say and how it will go and how he'll react. I mean, what if he's not there? Or turns me away? What will I do? I guess that will be my answer. I'll go to a hotel and cry and then never speak to him again and that will be it. But I've had a ton of anxiety lately about dealing with the realities of my life and that's part of what is keeping me in limbo. People are weird about relationships. In everything else in your life, problems at work or school or with any kind of task or project, people stay stick with it, take initiative. With relationships they say screw him. Move on. Back off. Let him come to you. Even if it's torture! Why is that? Are they somehow right? I don't know how that's possible. I disagree. I think you have to deal with it. Tackle it. Especially when it's preventing you from moving on with your life. Honestly, my fleeting feeling of emotional distance maybe even gives me more courage to do that. Because I really have nothing to lose.

Except that there's so much raw, real anger. Things are terrible. And it's his fault. He has done this to us. And is now using the excuse that things are so bad now so how can we be together. Maybe that was masterminded? Maybe it was his passive aggressive way of gradually and intentionally breaking up with me? It's infuriating. It would be easier if he would admit those things, but he won't. And it's not going to change by my inaction. I need clarity, closure. Ugh! Aah!

Okay, I am not going to let my emotions get the best of me. They are just going to raise my blood pressure and make me upset and that will not help anything. I'm going to be very rational about this. I'm going to go there, barring some sort of eruptive phone call or text message in the next 13-14 hours. I will have to leave around 8-9 AM. I still may get there before he's out of work. Not sure what to do about that. I think he gets out between 6 and 9, but he goes to bed around nine. Maybe I should show up at 8:30? This is nuts. But it will prove a point, and allow things to be said in person. I cannot go through the holidays in agony like this. And now he's threatened to cancel the trip!?! I was just about to book my ticket. He's so selfish. And he's out nothing because he can just visit his family anyway. Okay, I need to reframe this. I am not doing this because I love him or because I am not mad at him. I am doing this because I need answers, closure and face time. I am dealing with a thorn. I am alleviating stress and uncertainty. Honestly, it can't get worse. I keep saying that. I might be wrong. But I don't think so.

The only complication is that means I'm going to have to have a late night of getting things done. I need to submit things for my applications, pack, get up early to shower. I'm going to try to finish application related things that are urgent within the next 2 1/2 hours. Then I have to send some faxes in. I'm going to do all of those by 10:00 and then pack, do laundry, shower, whatever I need to do. I hope to be done with absolutes by midnight and then to do other things that I have time for. I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts lately. Too long. So I shouldn't be sleepy. I should be able to do this. I'm going to plan to leave early Friday morning. I have to come back to spend time with a friend I have plans with. Great isn't it how I go through days of nothingness and then actually have to cram things in? That's how it generally goes. Maybe it's taking other pressures to give me motivation to do this.

I just talked to my grandmother, not at all about this. And she said something in reference to someone else about always being able to do what we needed to do. She's wrong, and I actually pointed that out to her, which I'm not sure is appropriate to do to a woman in her 80s, but I did it. And even though she's wrong, she has a point. It's not an absolute, but sometimes you need to do the things you need to do. And you will be able to do them. Because you need to. And sometimes that's true. And it has to be true for me tonight and for the next couple of days. I think I will be glad that I did this. I'm not yet sure for what reason, but I think that will become clear. I am going to load up the Christmas music and try to be present and goal-oriented and somewhat open-minded. I'm going to do it because I need to.