Sun

I slept well, too late, but well. My mom apologized this morning, before I even had time to go downstairs to see her. It was nice. I felt better about things. I'm feeling much more positive. E sent me an email forward. I don't know what that means, but I've just felt so out of communication with him, and that's when I feel anxious. I need to go there. There is no reason for me to be here. I'm going to make something to eat, shower, pack, do things I need to do, go to the bank and post office, maybe the bagel shop for a BLT. Craving one. Get gas. Print directions. Load the car. Bring wine. And get out of here.

Sometimes all it takes is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I get overwhelmed by large tasks. They seem daunting and unapproachable, but you really can't learn to sail a boat in a day, not well, not enjoyably, not without exhaustion and inexperience. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going and things get done.

Bed

I got ready for bed. The ritual of it was sort of soothing. I moved into the guest room. It's so much sunnier and aesthetically cleaner and the bed is more comfortable. It's actually pretty nice. Small pleasures. I'm feeling a little more calm, but also still upset about all these things with my mother. Strange how a part of your life that seems steady and inconsequential can suddenly emerge as the most stressful.

I remember a time when she was just generally in a terrible mood about something that probably had nothing to do with me. I was about 11. maybe 12. and she was making lemon bars for a party i think. and while she was getting dressed she asked me to watch them in the oven, to check the timer. they were in the oven the exact amount of time they were supposed to be in, but they were burned. she was so upset. so so upset. and i felt terrible. and i was trying to tell her that they were still salvageable and that we could just cut around the burned parts, but she was too upset. i don't remember what she did instead, whether she bought something else or took them anyway, but it ruined my night. i felt so terrible about it. i made her a card, drew her a picture with markers on a folded sheet of copy paper of perfectly unburned, bright yellow lemon bars and slipped it under her bedroom door. i don't know what made me do it. i generally didn't do things like that. and the burned lemon bars were definitely not my fault. but i just was so upset about it that i had to do something. i think the gesture made her realize how much she had overreacted and then i think she felt guilty about snapping at me, which then made me feel terrible about apologizing and making her feel that way. i don't know what the point of this story was. except i feel a little bit like that now. like i burned her lemon bars. except that it wasn't my fault that they're burned. and she's overreacting. and none of it is actually even about lemon bars.

11

I'm about to go upstairs. I'm breathing. I'm trying to be present, be positive, take control. Writing is cathartic. Perspective.

So So Sad

i feel like crying

I thought it was going okay til now. I'm having a serious setback. Oddly, my mother recently became the most stressful aspect of my life. She has been driving me nuts! Snapping at me, being bossy, insulting me. And she thinks I'm deliberately being mean to her. In some ways it has been an impetus for me to leave here, to go see E, which is what I feel I need to do. But I'm just so so sad about it. I feel so alone. I wish things were better with her. I wish they weren't the way they are. We have vacillated our entire lives, me missing her terribly when I was small and she was gone, her missing me later? I don't know. But it's just this giant tragedy. I find myself falling into this adolescent pattern of trying to distinguish myself from her, to be on my own. But I should be at the point in my life when I cherish her.

I'm trying to make the best of the situation I'm in now, of what it is that I'm living now, because time will keep going regardless. And it's so hard. Because I do think, for many reasons, it would be better for me to not be here right now, at her house. But I also yearn for that balance in our lives. I want the balance of appropriate distance and cherishing and closeness. But it's true that this situation we have now is not sustainable. And initially leaving provides me with a sense of relief, a sense of breath, but then I feel gripped with regret, with sadness, with feeling profoundly alone.

And I find myself becoming angry at E again. He has made no mention of us seeing each other again. We talk for a handful of minutes every few days. It's horribly depressing. He sent me an email a few days ago saying he had never had such intense emotions attached to a set of thoughts about another person. The sad things is that, for him, that is the equivalent of saying I love you madly and can't live without you. I don't know what's going to happen. And now I have an interview, my only interview, at a graduate school near him. And what's going to happen? What will be next? It could be perfect, blissful, wonderful. But it might not be. How can he still not be coming after me? How can he choose to live without me? I cannot live in anger like this, in wondering in doubt, in inaction. I'm going to go there on Sunday, Valentine's Day. I'm going to see what his reaction is. I'm going to just be there, talk to him, because I can't do it from here and I'm going crazy and not doing anything.

But why do I feel so sad about my mother? Why does this have to happen right now? It's dampening all of it. It's making me very anxious. I can't laugh with her, be myself with her. It's depressing. I wish I could. I wish circumstances were different. I hope so much that they are in the future.

I need control. A plan. I can't move forward without knowing things with E. I'm falling apart. After making positive progress, I'm having a serious setback. And I'm trying to forgive it. I'm trying to stay strong, to know that things will get better. They have to. But I can't help but have anxiety that they could get worse. Why is this so hard? I just want love, connection, community, fulfillment. I don't have any of them. I'm afraid E can't give them to me. I'm afraid.

It worries me that I can't call him and tell him I'm upset, sad, depressed, get help from him, seek solace. I think of him as a friend, but is he? He's not there for me. I'm so sad. I don't want to live my life being sad. It's going to be okay. It will.

I sent out Valentines today. I've been meaning to do that for years. And I did it. I need to live by my principles. Go for walks when I need to. Give Valentines when I want to. Express myself when I feel like it. Drink wine when I feel like it. I so fear judgment, other people's reactions. I don't want to do that. It prevents me from acting in the way I want.

I love my mother. I do. I appreciate things she has done for me. I also think it is difficult for us to have a positive relationship in our current situation. I need a plan. A plan for her, a plan for life. I'm going to go upstairs within the next 45 minutes. I'm going to text E, tell him good night, turn out the lights, lock the doors, rinse out my wine glass, rinse my mouth with water, put on whitening strips and then get ready for bed while they're on. wash my face, moisturize, change into pajamas, bring my toothbrush and toothpaste and floss and vitamin into the loft. get my zen book, bring it with me, fill my water bottle. breathe deeply, read the devotional like i used to with M when i was little and had a satin pillow. take off the whiteners after half an hour. watch modern family. make my to do list for tomorrow. maybe look up names. email him. brush my teeth and floss. set my alarm and put my phone somewhere out of reach so i will wake up to turn it off. read zen. breathe. have sweet dreams, sound sleep.

wake up by 8, 8:30, be downstairs by nine, so i can see my mother, clear air, hopefully feel at peace, drink tomato juice with lemon in it. she's right. i don't savor the time between us. it's not entirely my fault. she picks, she says things that are hurtful, alienating. it makes me sad. but the result is that we just exist, not living, not appreciating. i'm going to see her, be more present. find something for breakfast, i don't know what. whiten teeth again. pack. that could take awhile, with the uncertainty of a trip like this. do the things on the list that i need to do before i leave. take a shower. call my mom. just talk to her. make sure she is safe. go to the bank and post office. make food to pack. bring wine. print out directions. drive. be nice. be fun. clear head. sleep soundly.

wake early. rent skis. ski. enjoy the snow, the scenery, the peace, the view. apres ski. savor it. enjoy. talk with M. shower.

wake early. drive. get coffee. stop for lunch. breathe. be calm. get to his town, his house. knock. see what happens. take it from there. be present and calm and act accordingly. to be continued...

Now

It's been awhile since I've written. I've had ups and downs at surprising levels, I suppose. Although what is surprising? I've become more grounded, I think. E is here this week. I sent him letters, 8 or 9. Letters. He wrote back twice by email. The first time he told me he wanted to see me while he was here, on his vacation. I said of course. I kept my sweet, placid demeanor. My at peace, centered stance. I was surprised by how unfazed I was by his response. Happy, content, moved, but unfazed. It was weird. But it just was.

I went to pick him up on Monday, just to see him, to spend time with him. And I was also remarkably unfazed by that. I have tried, since, and I've seen him 4 or so times, to stay calm, honest, centered. It has worked, pretty much, especially at first. But now I feel neglected, unloved, unwanted, unresponded to. I don't know what to do next. He leaves on Tuesday. I don't know what we'll say, what will happen, what my life will be like after that.

I went out to dinner with my mother and her friends tonight, while he went out with his parents. I don't like my mother's friends. They are amusing, and enjoyable enough, but extremely superficial, surficial. It disturbs me, often. It was uncomfortable. And one of her friends' daughter has a baby, a five month old, with my name, which I find odd. No one else did. That's a different story. But it was odd. And she was talking about her daughter, this girl I used to know, and her baby, and how things were with her, and I nodded and tried to be in a zen place of acceptance and understanding and acknowledgment, and to some extent I was. And then the woman next to me says, oh, so you two are the same age? and she has a baby? ha ha...no pressure or anything, right? and i was thinking how inappropriate this was. and then my mother kept repeating it, and i could tell that it bothered her, which bothered me too.

Because I am on a quest right now, to be a strong, independent-minded, whole, centered, person. A person, not just a woman, not just a child, not just a girlfriend, or employee, or any other label. I am trying to be me. And I would like to have support to do that. I would like for my life to be validated. I would like my mother, and my boyfriend who's not really my boyfriend to get me, to understand me, so I don't have to hide anything, I don't have to dance around issues, I don't have to beg for sympathy, I don't have to worry about being abandoned. I'm sick of it! sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i want to get married, to have children, to be in love, to have the career that i want, and i also want to be able to be a happy person without all of that, to have those things only add to my life, to not define me. and i feel like i have no support in that endeavor. and i don't know if E is capable of filling that role. I don't know if he is capable of true support, understanding, selflessness. I don't know if he's the person I seek. I know that he's the closest I've found. I know that i feel constantly that i have to convince him, that its not natural, that its exhausting. that i've had this nagging sense that it isn't real, that he isn't really in it, doesnt talk about a future, doesnt make signs of a commitment, and that then he abandoned me, in the weakest, most immature way imaginable. and that it feels now like i cant get angry with him for this, that i cant bring it up bc he's too goddamn fragile. he'll break. he'll leave me. he doesn't care enough.

and i have held out hope through our entire relationship that this would change, that he would reach out to me, and it hasn't, not permanently, not substantially.

i'm tired of being angry, being bitter. for awhile i can extend myself, sacrifice myself, see how this plays out without argument and dissent as a convenient excuse. i can do it bc i think it will help me move on with my life, whether with him or someone else, or alone. just to live. i need to not feel regret and what ifs. i need to know reality, the truth, to at least attempt to break through to him even if its not really possible.

i am trying to see this time, this experience, as a gift. this is life. it has been given to me. it is challenging, disappointing. but it is life!!!!!! life!!!! and i'm going to celebrate it, appreciate it, make the best of it. find love. real love. real intimacy and connection. because i think thats the most rewarding experience of life. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself. i'm going to get this out here, process it, proceed in the way that i want to proceed, in the way i want to be perceived right now. i'm going to see what is possible, what will happen. i'm going to love with abandon, including myself, because that is the only way that will bring me answers, clarity and fulfillment.

13 Days

It's been 13 days. I am staying afloat. But that's mostly all. My brother was here. He just left and I'm sad. It helped to have him here. I have now sent 6 letters to E. I really did send them without any expectation of a response. In fact, for the first few days, I would have been shocked if I'd received one. That has changed. It is starting to hurt me. I've gotten nothing back. They were nice letters. They were only positive. I'm going to send 3 more, including a package, maybe zucchini bread. I'm going to make him a crossword puzzle. And a glittered picture of us. And then he will be here, on his vacation. Or at least part of it here. And I want him to come to me, to come find me.

I just wonder what he's thinking when he gets home every day and there's another letter from me. More and more and more. What does he think? How does he react? Does he smile? Feel annoyed? Stressed? Does he read them? Reread them? Keep them? Throw them away? Rip them up? Does he think of me before he falls asleep? During the day? Is he lost and confused or is he planning to do something? Will he ever write me back? Call me while he's here?

If he doesn't find me while I'm here. If he doesn't call or come by or see me, I will be devastated. In fact, I think that week is going to be tough, waiting for him. But regardless, I'm going to go to him. I'm going to drive there after his vacation. I have to. Even if I'm devastated. Maybe because of it. I'm walking through fire. I need a way to heal.

Bliss of Sleep?

My life is repeating itself all over again. I've wasted months of it! I spent all of July and August and September in a haze, and October and November and December, and now January? Worse? In a haze! Again! My head is spinning. I don't know what to think, what to do. Is it a matter of effort? Mere miscommunication? Fundamental absence of love? I asked him what I could do. He wouldn't give me anything. Nothing. I woke up this morning with stabbing knives in my abdomen again. They came back to find me. I am incapacitated. Miserable. Is he making excuses? Has he held back the whole time because of excuses? Can you allow real love to just drift away? I feel sick. Raw. Hurt. And I can't call him. Never really could. He's never there. And feels smothered by the attention I did give him, by the times we actually could be together. He was always running away. From the very beginning. Physically and emotionally. What do I do about that?

Right now I breathe. And make sure I eat. And stay hydrated. And not cry. Because crying will just give me a headache. It's cloudy outside. It's awful. And miserable. The world feels empty.

Extreme Extreme Extreme Setback

I feel like I am suffocating, vomiting, drowning all at once. I do not know how I am able to live through this much pain. It is incomprehensible. I spent three days with him. On an island. It was actually mostly amazing and extremely emotional. And then he told me he didn't want to be with me. That he was not going to ask me to move to where he is. I cannot fully process it right now. I cried so much my face is swollen. I feel nauseated, shocked, like someone is stabbing me in the gut with knives.

I can't believe I'm still in love with him. That he can still hurt me so much and does. I can't. Right now I am in denial. I had a plan to write him a letter every day. And to drive there in a couple of weeks. As of now I'm still going to do it. I dropped him off at an airport. I just checked his flight online just because I wanted to feel connected to him, to know where he is. I found out he lied to me about the departure time. By two hours. So he could get away from me sooner. My body is filled with knives. Somehow that lie is a lie on steroids. It is a lie that leaves me with even more unsure footing than I had before. I feel like I'm insane. Delusional. How could I feel something so strongly that he does not? I'm sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. And crying. It won't stop. I can't breathe.