I sent him flowers for his birthday. It was really a small thing, but in some ways huge, and I just wanted to make the gesture. I want to act based on my own principles instead of reacting to what he does. The New Years plans are definite, at least for now. I never count anything for sure. He sent me a text today saying he had talked to a coworker for a couple of hours about our situation and was really glad we were going to see each other. When I didn't write back after about 20 minutes, he sent me a snappy text asking why I choose to ignore his messages. Wow. Emotional rollercoaster. In the spirit of not reacting, I calmly and politely responded. I haven't heard anything. Double standard. He may have already gone to bed, but still. I feel like there are different standards. He doesn't respond when he doesn't want to, then has an excuse and tells me I'm overreacting. But I'm the bad guy if I don't jump when he calls.
Feeling a lot of anger and apprehension about all of this. I'm afraid the nice birthday gesture kickstarted him into brief feelings of emotional longing and wistfulness, and that they're not real or lasting. I'm terrified of being more hurt than I already am or have been. I'm afraid of being kicked back into the even worse place I was in just a few months ago. I don't know how to avoid any of it or what to expect. But I have to do it and I feel okay about it for that reason. I'm also a little annoyed that I'm having to spend several hundred dollars on a plane ticket to leave a family gathering and then go back just because of this. Again, I have to do it, but I have spent so much money trying to see him or changing plans because he changed his mind this summer or buying a last minute ticket because he broke up with me in the middle of the night. Yes, there is much bitterness. And I may have to pick him up at a friend's house on the way there, which is going to be really awkward to see his friend when I'm also seeing him for the first time. I'm going to try to avoid that in advance.
I have two very close high school friends who are in town for Christmas and just found out that they are getting together with another friend of theirs who was somewhat of an adolescent enemy of mine. It seems petty and ridiculous to hold on to 12 year old meannesses, but she was truly horrible to me and is still an awful person. I don't trust her at all. She's spiteful and vindictive and I'm in a weird place right now and don't want to tell her personal information or have to feel worse about my situation because she is judging me and bringing up adolescent trauma and insecurities. At the same time, I don't want to avoid seeing my good friends just because this girl will be there. I would just be sitting at home, missing out, all because she's there. It seems so juvenile. And that somehow makes her win. But she's so so awful! I don't even want to be around her. I don't know what to do. My gut is to go. To handle myself with composure and grace and hope that shines through. I just don't know if I can handle that right now. I'm in somewhat of a fragile state. I guess I'll just see how I feel at the time.
In other news, I went out with a friend of mine this weekend and met a friend of her husband's and totally hit it off! It was somewhat brief and a little awkward at first, but we seemed to have things in common and the conversation was really natural and he seemed interested, and honestly it just felt so so good to have that kind of experience, regardless of what happens in the future. For that moment, it felt amazing. It felt promising. E actually called me while I was talking to this guy (which I did not find out until later, when I checked my phone). And in some ways that was coincidence. And in many ways I was just plain sad that I was talking to some random guy and being flirted with on my boyfriend's (because I oddly do still think of him that way) major birthday. It just felt awful. But that realization also made me more engaged with the new guy, T. Every time I started to feel a twinge of guilt or discomfort, I thought, "It is E's birthday and I'm not with him. Why would I hold back with a potential new person?" And so I didn't really. Of course it was awful weather, so I was bundled up and hadn't styled my hair or gone to any special, going-to-flirt-with-a-new-cute-boy lengths, but in some ways that was better. It was unexpected, and a nice surprise, and comfortable, and pressure-free.
It really was just such an amazing experience. It surprised me how amazing. And not because of him. It didn't have much to do with him at all. It was the promise of him, of boys (men?) like him. That other possibilities, other options, exist. There are normal, single, available people out there. I could go out, have a good time, have hope again. That was it. Talking to T restored my hope. I honestly think it will make things easier going into this trip with E. Because I'm not so desperate. I don't feel so desperate. I still feel angry, I still feel hurt beyond belief. But I think it will be easier for me to let go. I feel more confident. And not because of T, not because I think anything would even ever really happen with him, or because I need another person to feel whole. I don't even know him. It could have been one good conversation and then he turns out to be a weirdo. It was just the idea of him. It was the first time I have been able to entertain the idea of someone else and it felt liberating. I had the thought creep in that not only could I maybe eventually move on from this hell that I'm in, and the pain and disappointment and heartbreak I've experienced, but that maybe E is actually not the perfect person for me. Maybe the ideal is not that this is some blip in the road and we will end up happily ever after together because we have to and we're perfect for each other. Maybe the ideal is that things end with E, and that I could actually be happy, maybe even happier, with someone else. I could have new experiences and adventures that I wouldn't have had with E.
I've always always thought of him as the perfect person for me, and felt so lucky to have found him, and maybe that is still the case. I haven't given up on it, for sure, but it was a huge, huge experience for me to even think about someone else, to enjoy talking with someone else, to imagine the possibility of a new person and a different future for myself, to envision not only the end of heartache, but the promise of maybe an even better outcome. I've always known, or at least once the initial shock subsided, that I would move on from this, that I would have scars, but that I would live. I figured I would and could most likely even marry someone else, but I have not been able to alter the thought that I would inevitably and always hold the pain that I lost the love of my life. I thought I would always feel like I was settling for second best, that I had been cheated out of happiness, that I may never have a truly fulfilling marriage because I would always think of E, imagine who he was with, what he was doing, what adventures we would have had together, what his children looked like. I would always feel injustice, that my rightful place had been taken from me. I thought I would never get over THAT. And that may be true. And it may be that I end up with E and am blissfully happy. And it may be that I'm with E and miserable, that he loses his luster and sheen. But this was the first time I thought maybe I could move on and maybe, maybe, maybe feel like I lucked out, that I got the prize in the end, the happy life, the happy relationship, that maybe I would think, wow, this is even better than what I ever had or ever would have had with E. I never even entertained that thought before.
Anyway, so T asked for my number, which was totally uncreepy and natural, which in and of itself is an amazing experience and first meeting with a person. And I have actually found myself thinking about him, or again, the possibility of him, what he represents. I couldn't sleep last night and found myself almost smiling in my mind with thoughts of him, and then thinking to myself, "you're being insane, you don't even know this person!" But then I gave myself permission to just go with it, because it was really pleasant, and I deserve that. The point is not who this guy is, or if anything happens in the future. It's about giving myself the freedom to revel in the possibility of someone else. I have not had those thoughts in years. And it felt good. And empowering. So T, whoever you are, thank you for giving me that experience, for representing something I needed to experience in order to be a little more free.
I've hit a slump in the progress of accomplishing things. Which is frustrating. I couldn't sleep last night, and then slept in really late today. I'm leaving town on Friday and I don't have any Christmas presents, haven't yet finished applications, packed, done other random things on my 2 page to do list, etc. It just makes me so anxious every time I even have to face it. Because I'm not tired yet again, I may just try to go with it and stay up tonight doing the highest priority things. I have a tendency to procrastinate and not finish and not be ready and then feel even more anxious and have to rush around and miss sleep. It's a terrible pattern, and it's worse when I'm under stress, especially emotional stress. And if I can't do it tonight, I'll do it tomorrow and that will be okay too. I tend to put pressure on myself and view things as very all or nothing. Uncertainty and beginning without completion does not sit well with me. It's how I approach all things in life. Which is sometimes good and often is maladaptive. I need to be okay with slow and steady, with just keeping with something that needs to be done even when problems arise and delays ensue. Accepting the present while working towards change.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Post Convo
Thank God I did not go there. I do not think it was some sort of fated decision. I just think I know him and his behavior and lifestyle. It was a gut feeling. He was at a work dinner until 10:30. There is no giving in this. He said he's waiting for me to act a certain way, to stop blaming him, before he wants to be with me. That don't I understand how destructive blaming is and so why would I do it. To which I would say, quit fucking up. He is blameworthy for things. He broke up with me. Out of nowhere. He WATCHED ME SUFFER and did nothing, provided me no comfort or consolation or explanation. And now he can't deal with life. I hate to admit this, but I'm experiencing a little bit of schadenfreude in his misery at work situation. He cannot take responsibility for his actions. He broke up with me, broke my heart, and continues to do nothing because it doesn't affect his life. Selfish asshole! These are things I cannot say to him, because for now, I have not nailed the coffin, and even if/when it's nailed, I want to come across as the saintly girlfriend that I really am and not stoop to the level of name calling. So I am getting it out here. Fucking asshole narcissistic self-centered passive aggressive bastard! I trusted him, I invested in him, he broke my heart, watched me suffer and did nothing except by inaction keep stepping on my heart and squishing it more every day. He has not responded to any of my sincere expressions of emotion and has somehow instead painted me to be the evil nagging bitch. Fuck him! I am a nice person. Doting. Caring. It is not an act. It is part of what defines me. And to try to twist that to rationalize and justify his own behavior is disgusting. There are always defenses. He won't even own up to his own betrayals, transgressions, mistakes, inadequacies. He defends them to death, even if it involves circular logic and indirect lies. And then he accuses me of being defensive and accusatory, of being deliberately mean. Fuck!
Okay, deep breaths. The confusion and betrayal and disappointment is suffocating. How one person can have this much control over your life is so depressing and maladaptive. I have to stop making excuses for him. He told me it's so stressful to talk because we just fight. That he's waiting to have a normal conversation. Well things were normal this summer, happy, joyful even, and yet, that's when he broke up with me. Because we weren't talking about things. He never takes ownership. He just reacts, blames, justifies. Makes me look like the crazy bitch. He has set this up so that I would be so hurt I would act terribly towards him, because I'm too damn nice otherwise, and then he can blame me.
The irony of spending New Years ending something is not lost on me. I hate New Years anyway. I'm viewing this as a trip for closure. I'm going to hold his feet to the fire. I am not going to lose my cool. He will tell me I'm stressing him out, he's just trying to have a good time, why do I always have to blame him and dwell on the past. And then, he will abandon me and say it's because we're not talking about things and we can't communicate. WE! He left me with no explanation. In the middle of happiness. It's so fucking insane! And now I'm the criminal. I do not understand how this happened. I am going to focus on the promise of my future. I'm going to be thankful for the anger that may help me understand that this is a horrible situation, always had a terrible fate, despite my long-term, years-long delusion to the contrary, and that just maybe I have dodged a bullet.
I need to take control back. Maybe I will write him a letter? He's so god damn sensitive. Why? Because he's guilty. Guilty people become enraged when you point out their transgressions or try to be logical or rational. It infuriates them. Because their goal is to avoid the truth. And people who are actually committed to a relationship are not the types who want to just have a good time and avoid conflict or resolution. Because they're in it for the short term.
That is what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a list of talking points. Print it out. Bring it with me. A choose your own adventure. A list of positives. A list of negatives (aka concerns). And a list of acceptable options, which will not include continuing on in this way. It pisses me off that I am the one who has to do this, but I am not counting on him for anything anymore. He has reached scumbag status. God, and if you knew him! He comes across as a fucking saint! So deceptive. Calm, cool, collected, thoughtful, kind, sensitive. These could go on my good list, except they're only delusions. Fuck! What if I can't find anything for the good list? Hmm...maybe that's my answer. More positively, I have reached independent, self-sufficient, promising, hopeful status. Take control of my life status. Deserving of love status. Or at least I'm getting closer to it. Fuck him!
Okay, deep breaths. The confusion and betrayal and disappointment is suffocating. How one person can have this much control over your life is so depressing and maladaptive. I have to stop making excuses for him. He told me it's so stressful to talk because we just fight. That he's waiting to have a normal conversation. Well things were normal this summer, happy, joyful even, and yet, that's when he broke up with me. Because we weren't talking about things. He never takes ownership. He just reacts, blames, justifies. Makes me look like the crazy bitch. He has set this up so that I would be so hurt I would act terribly towards him, because I'm too damn nice otherwise, and then he can blame me.
The irony of spending New Years ending something is not lost on me. I hate New Years anyway. I'm viewing this as a trip for closure. I'm going to hold his feet to the fire. I am not going to lose my cool. He will tell me I'm stressing him out, he's just trying to have a good time, why do I always have to blame him and dwell on the past. And then, he will abandon me and say it's because we're not talking about things and we can't communicate. WE! He left me with no explanation. In the middle of happiness. It's so fucking insane! And now I'm the criminal. I do not understand how this happened. I am going to focus on the promise of my future. I'm going to be thankful for the anger that may help me understand that this is a horrible situation, always had a terrible fate, despite my long-term, years-long delusion to the contrary, and that just maybe I have dodged a bullet.
I need to take control back. Maybe I will write him a letter? He's so god damn sensitive. Why? Because he's guilty. Guilty people become enraged when you point out their transgressions or try to be logical or rational. It infuriates them. Because their goal is to avoid the truth. And people who are actually committed to a relationship are not the types who want to just have a good time and avoid conflict or resolution. Because they're in it for the short term.
That is what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a list of talking points. Print it out. Bring it with me. A choose your own adventure. A list of positives. A list of negatives (aka concerns). And a list of acceptable options, which will not include continuing on in this way. It pisses me off that I am the one who has to do this, but I am not counting on him for anything anymore. He has reached scumbag status. God, and if you knew him! He comes across as a fucking saint! So deceptive. Calm, cool, collected, thoughtful, kind, sensitive. These could go on my good list, except they're only delusions. Fuck! What if I can't find anything for the good list? Hmm...maybe that's my answer. More positively, I have reached independent, self-sufficient, promising, hopeful status. Take control of my life status. Deserving of love status. Or at least I'm getting closer to it. Fuck him!
Ugh!
Indecision plagues me! I did not drive. I tried to get things done last night. Went to bed at 3:30. Set my alarm for 6. And went back to sleep. I just couldn't do it. I think it was a good move. But it's still frustrating. After being so angry he sent me a text last night saying he had just gotten home from work, was pooped, and was looking forward to seeing me at New Years. That was it. It's like he has a personality disorder. Or mood disorder. Emotion regulation problems?
Just totally dismissed everything. And for some reason that made me more angry and made me not want to go there. Partly because it didn't feel like such an emergency. Partly because I've just been let down so many times. I just kept thinking he probably wouldn't even be there. And turns out he's not getting off work until around 9:30 tonight. I would have gotten so pissed and emotional if I were sitting in a cold car waiting for him to get home after driving 10 hours. Only to have him get up at 5 to go to work again. It really was a crazy move. I think it would have been setting myself up to not feel appreciated again. I have still not ruled it out in the future. It provides an odd sense of comfort and control to know that it's an option, whether I take it or not. And maybe that was another reason I didn't do it. It would be a last resort. I could only do it once. It would be really dramatic. And doing it now would take away the option. Ugh! It's still frustrating. Because I still feel like I'm just waiting.
Anyway, we are supposed to talk at 9:30 tonight. We'll see whether that happens, how punctually it happens, and how productive the conversation will be. I do not have high hopes.
So in the spirit of being more positive, I am going to focus on things I've accomplished, nice moments. I slept late this morning, which felt great. But to veer from the positive for a minute, it's really ridiculous that I stay in bed an average of 14 hours a day and that part of me enjoys it. But I don't think I really enjoy it. I think the avoidance of everything else is more tolerable than facing it, so by comparison it feels like a better option, even though in the long run it's not.
Okay, back to positive. I've done nearly everything I need to for my applications. It has been really tough emotionally. It's still going to be tough, but I've done the majority of the painful part that I can do right now. I had dinner with a really close friend and the two children she takes care of. It lifted my spirits. Gave me some perspective. Gave me motivation to persevere, to see this, all of this stuff right now, as a setback, a relapse, a temporary purgatory. I've had a couple of people tell me that this could be seen as an opportunity. I have no commitments, no responsibilities, only a world of possibilities in front of me. I never think of it like that. It's hard for me to. But I'm trying to do that. To embrace this seeming hell as a unique chance for reinvention and new chances and experiences. I realize that it's rare for anyone to have that. It's just tough when it's not in line with where you want your life to be. When you've spent years investing in a relationship, in a job, in a graduate program that you literally will not get any credit for. It's hard for me to see it as a move forward, as a new chapter, instead of as a major setback, a loss, a waste of time, accompanied by a huge amount of suffering. But I'm trying. I get the logic of it. Why not enjoy limbo while you're in it, right? I'm trying to give myself time to heal, while also working towards moving forward, out of the limbo.
I've been thinking about writing a post about goals, about how I would ideally envision my future, a fantasy, with parts that could come true, because it's been so blank for the last six months or so. I've always been hesitant about things like that, about counting on anything, because it can always blow up in your face at any moment, as I have just seen. But that is not a reason not to dream or plan. Because if you don't, you will live in fear. Yes, things can change, and inevitably they will. I think the key is to have an outline of a plan, but to keep it constantly open to alterations. Make it a living document. I will do it soon. I think it will be a good challenge for me, a leap of faith, a change in cognition, a realization of what it is that I really want right now.
Just totally dismissed everything. And for some reason that made me more angry and made me not want to go there. Partly because it didn't feel like such an emergency. Partly because I've just been let down so many times. I just kept thinking he probably wouldn't even be there. And turns out he's not getting off work until around 9:30 tonight. I would have gotten so pissed and emotional if I were sitting in a cold car waiting for him to get home after driving 10 hours. Only to have him get up at 5 to go to work again. It really was a crazy move. I think it would have been setting myself up to not feel appreciated again. I have still not ruled it out in the future. It provides an odd sense of comfort and control to know that it's an option, whether I take it or not. And maybe that was another reason I didn't do it. It would be a last resort. I could only do it once. It would be really dramatic. And doing it now would take away the option. Ugh! It's still frustrating. Because I still feel like I'm just waiting.
Anyway, we are supposed to talk at 9:30 tonight. We'll see whether that happens, how punctually it happens, and how productive the conversation will be. I do not have high hopes.
So in the spirit of being more positive, I am going to focus on things I've accomplished, nice moments. I slept late this morning, which felt great. But to veer from the positive for a minute, it's really ridiculous that I stay in bed an average of 14 hours a day and that part of me enjoys it. But I don't think I really enjoy it. I think the avoidance of everything else is more tolerable than facing it, so by comparison it feels like a better option, even though in the long run it's not.
Okay, back to positive. I've done nearly everything I need to for my applications. It has been really tough emotionally. It's still going to be tough, but I've done the majority of the painful part that I can do right now. I had dinner with a really close friend and the two children she takes care of. It lifted my spirits. Gave me some perspective. Gave me motivation to persevere, to see this, all of this stuff right now, as a setback, a relapse, a temporary purgatory. I've had a couple of people tell me that this could be seen as an opportunity. I have no commitments, no responsibilities, only a world of possibilities in front of me. I never think of it like that. It's hard for me to. But I'm trying to do that. To embrace this seeming hell as a unique chance for reinvention and new chances and experiences. I realize that it's rare for anyone to have that. It's just tough when it's not in line with where you want your life to be. When you've spent years investing in a relationship, in a job, in a graduate program that you literally will not get any credit for. It's hard for me to see it as a move forward, as a new chapter, instead of as a major setback, a loss, a waste of time, accompanied by a huge amount of suffering. But I'm trying. I get the logic of it. Why not enjoy limbo while you're in it, right? I'm trying to give myself time to heal, while also working towards moving forward, out of the limbo.
I've been thinking about writing a post about goals, about how I would ideally envision my future, a fantasy, with parts that could come true, because it's been so blank for the last six months or so. I've always been hesitant about things like that, about counting on anything, because it can always blow up in your face at any moment, as I have just seen. But that is not a reason not to dream or plan. Because if you don't, you will live in fear. Yes, things can change, and inevitably they will. I think the key is to have an outline of a plan, but to keep it constantly open to alterations. Make it a living document. I will do it soon. I think it will be a good challenge for me, a leap of faith, a change in cognition, a realization of what it is that I really want right now.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Setback/Dealing with the Problem
So all day I've been thinking that I am not going to drive tomorrow, that it is not worth it, would accomplish nothing. Then I texted E, who has a major birthday in a couple of days, and asked what he was doing for it, just out of curiosity, just to ask, even though he has not responded to several of my other questions. He said he hoped his brother would come in town. Okay, maybe I am being somewhat out of line. He has a right to see his brother, and we are in this terrible not talking to each other situation. And then I thought, hell no! He's the one who put us in this situation! And now he wants to spend his birthday with his brother?! I mean yes, if I were there it probably would be tense and awkward, but that is a tragedy, and attributable to his bad choices and inaction.
Anyway, I sent him a text, which I thought was relatively inoffensive and well-worded, pointing out the fact that he has not prioritized me at all and does not see our situation as an emergency, etc. He wrote back the angriest text message (as angry as you can be in a text message) that I have ever seen. Well that was not my intention. That just makes things worse. And yet, at the same time, why should I have to tiptoe around his fragility? I'm angry too. I'm not allowed to express that without him becoming irrevocably offended? He even pulled the maybe we shouldn't go on our trip card. After I told him my fear was that he would back out. This is what he always does. When he can't handle a situation or his emotions he just leaves. Threatens, abandons. Without regard for those around him. Of course if I said that to him he would probably lose it. The strange part is that his anger is not eruptive. It is avoidant and passive aggressive, which in some ways is even more frustrating and infuriating.
I have more applications due today, in a few hours, which is a really emotional experience for me because I am now applying to graduate programs for the third time. And part of the reason I originally decided to transfer was to go where he is. So I'm still filling out applications where he is, to programs I would definitely never ever be interested in otherwise, and it's just a completely infuriating experience. He has serious relationship skill and communication deficits. How I didn't more clearly see that before, I am not sure. Now I am anxious and agitated and thinking that maybe I will go there after all. Tomorrow. It may be a terrible idea, but I'm going crazy just sitting here and things are getting worse. And it's not like I'm punishing him. I'm suffering too. And why do that to myself?
The awful part, among other things, is that I don't want to tell anyone I'm going. I don't want them to judge, advise me, discuss amongst themselves, ask later how it went. It's just too much. Which makes it a very isolating and somewhat illicit experience, which blows. That is not what I want. But I feel I have no choice.
Another sad part of this is that a part of me is numb. A part of me is starting to think maybe I would be better off without him, without this, that I could actually be happier. It's fleeting. But it's there. Is that a sign that I'm moving on? Is this progress? Something positive? Or not? It makes me sad that I don't care more now. Really sad. But maybe I do and it's dormant?
Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about going. About driving so far and for so long and about seeing him and what I'll say and how it will go and how he'll react. I mean, what if he's not there? Or turns me away? What will I do? I guess that will be my answer. I'll go to a hotel and cry and then never speak to him again and that will be it. But I've had a ton of anxiety lately about dealing with the realities of my life and that's part of what is keeping me in limbo. People are weird about relationships. In everything else in your life, problems at work or school or with any kind of task or project, people stay stick with it, take initiative. With relationships they say screw him. Move on. Back off. Let him come to you. Even if it's torture! Why is that? Are they somehow right? I don't know how that's possible. I disagree. I think you have to deal with it. Tackle it. Especially when it's preventing you from moving on with your life. Honestly, my fleeting feeling of emotional distance maybe even gives me more courage to do that. Because I really have nothing to lose.
Except that there's so much raw, real anger. Things are terrible. And it's his fault. He has done this to us. And is now using the excuse that things are so bad now so how can we be together. Maybe that was masterminded? Maybe it was his passive aggressive way of gradually and intentionally breaking up with me? It's infuriating. It would be easier if he would admit those things, but he won't. And it's not going to change by my inaction. I need clarity, closure. Ugh! Aah!
Okay, I am not going to let my emotions get the best of me. They are just going to raise my blood pressure and make me upset and that will not help anything. I'm going to be very rational about this. I'm going to go there, barring some sort of eruptive phone call or text message in the next 13-14 hours. I will have to leave around 8-9 AM. I still may get there before he's out of work. Not sure what to do about that. I think he gets out between 6 and 9, but he goes to bed around nine. Maybe I should show up at 8:30? This is nuts. But it will prove a point, and allow things to be said in person. I cannot go through the holidays in agony like this. And now he's threatened to cancel the trip!?! I was just about to book my ticket. He's so selfish. And he's out nothing because he can just visit his family anyway. Okay, I need to reframe this. I am not doing this because I love him or because I am not mad at him. I am doing this because I need answers, closure and face time. I am dealing with a thorn. I am alleviating stress and uncertainty. Honestly, it can't get worse. I keep saying that. I might be wrong. But I don't think so.
The only complication is that means I'm going to have to have a late night of getting things done. I need to submit things for my applications, pack, get up early to shower. I'm going to try to finish application related things that are urgent within the next 2 1/2 hours. Then I have to send some faxes in. I'm going to do all of those by 10:00 and then pack, do laundry, shower, whatever I need to do. I hope to be done with absolutes by midnight and then to do other things that I have time for. I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts lately. Too long. So I shouldn't be sleepy. I should be able to do this. I'm going to plan to leave early Friday morning. I have to come back to spend time with a friend I have plans with. Great isn't it how I go through days of nothingness and then actually have to cram things in? That's how it generally goes. Maybe it's taking other pressures to give me motivation to do this.
I just talked to my grandmother, not at all about this. And she said something in reference to someone else about always being able to do what we needed to do. She's wrong, and I actually pointed that out to her, which I'm not sure is appropriate to do to a woman in her 80s, but I did it. And even though she's wrong, she has a point. It's not an absolute, but sometimes you need to do the things you need to do. And you will be able to do them. Because you need to. And sometimes that's true. And it has to be true for me tonight and for the next couple of days. I think I will be glad that I did this. I'm not yet sure for what reason, but I think that will become clear. I am going to load up the Christmas music and try to be present and goal-oriented and somewhat open-minded. I'm going to do it because I need to.
Anyway, I sent him a text, which I thought was relatively inoffensive and well-worded, pointing out the fact that he has not prioritized me at all and does not see our situation as an emergency, etc. He wrote back the angriest text message (as angry as you can be in a text message) that I have ever seen. Well that was not my intention. That just makes things worse. And yet, at the same time, why should I have to tiptoe around his fragility? I'm angry too. I'm not allowed to express that without him becoming irrevocably offended? He even pulled the maybe we shouldn't go on our trip card. After I told him my fear was that he would back out. This is what he always does. When he can't handle a situation or his emotions he just leaves. Threatens, abandons. Without regard for those around him. Of course if I said that to him he would probably lose it. The strange part is that his anger is not eruptive. It is avoidant and passive aggressive, which in some ways is even more frustrating and infuriating.
I have more applications due today, in a few hours, which is a really emotional experience for me because I am now applying to graduate programs for the third time. And part of the reason I originally decided to transfer was to go where he is. So I'm still filling out applications where he is, to programs I would definitely never ever be interested in otherwise, and it's just a completely infuriating experience. He has serious relationship skill and communication deficits. How I didn't more clearly see that before, I am not sure. Now I am anxious and agitated and thinking that maybe I will go there after all. Tomorrow. It may be a terrible idea, but I'm going crazy just sitting here and things are getting worse. And it's not like I'm punishing him. I'm suffering too. And why do that to myself?
The awful part, among other things, is that I don't want to tell anyone I'm going. I don't want them to judge, advise me, discuss amongst themselves, ask later how it went. It's just too much. Which makes it a very isolating and somewhat illicit experience, which blows. That is not what I want. But I feel I have no choice.
Another sad part of this is that a part of me is numb. A part of me is starting to think maybe I would be better off without him, without this, that I could actually be happier. It's fleeting. But it's there. Is that a sign that I'm moving on? Is this progress? Something positive? Or not? It makes me sad that I don't care more now. Really sad. But maybe I do and it's dormant?
Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about going. About driving so far and for so long and about seeing him and what I'll say and how it will go and how he'll react. I mean, what if he's not there? Or turns me away? What will I do? I guess that will be my answer. I'll go to a hotel and cry and then never speak to him again and that will be it. But I've had a ton of anxiety lately about dealing with the realities of my life and that's part of what is keeping me in limbo. People are weird about relationships. In everything else in your life, problems at work or school or with any kind of task or project, people stay stick with it, take initiative. With relationships they say screw him. Move on. Back off. Let him come to you. Even if it's torture! Why is that? Are they somehow right? I don't know how that's possible. I disagree. I think you have to deal with it. Tackle it. Especially when it's preventing you from moving on with your life. Honestly, my fleeting feeling of emotional distance maybe even gives me more courage to do that. Because I really have nothing to lose.
Except that there's so much raw, real anger. Things are terrible. And it's his fault. He has done this to us. And is now using the excuse that things are so bad now so how can we be together. Maybe that was masterminded? Maybe it was his passive aggressive way of gradually and intentionally breaking up with me? It's infuriating. It would be easier if he would admit those things, but he won't. And it's not going to change by my inaction. I need clarity, closure. Ugh! Aah!
Okay, I am not going to let my emotions get the best of me. They are just going to raise my blood pressure and make me upset and that will not help anything. I'm going to be very rational about this. I'm going to go there, barring some sort of eruptive phone call or text message in the next 13-14 hours. I will have to leave around 8-9 AM. I still may get there before he's out of work. Not sure what to do about that. I think he gets out between 6 and 9, but he goes to bed around nine. Maybe I should show up at 8:30? This is nuts. But it will prove a point, and allow things to be said in person. I cannot go through the holidays in agony like this. And now he's threatened to cancel the trip!?! I was just about to book my ticket. He's so selfish. And he's out nothing because he can just visit his family anyway. Okay, I need to reframe this. I am not doing this because I love him or because I am not mad at him. I am doing this because I need answers, closure and face time. I am dealing with a thorn. I am alleviating stress and uncertainty. Honestly, it can't get worse. I keep saying that. I might be wrong. But I don't think so.
The only complication is that means I'm going to have to have a late night of getting things done. I need to submit things for my applications, pack, get up early to shower. I'm going to try to finish application related things that are urgent within the next 2 1/2 hours. Then I have to send some faxes in. I'm going to do all of those by 10:00 and then pack, do laundry, shower, whatever I need to do. I hope to be done with absolutes by midnight and then to do other things that I have time for. I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts lately. Too long. So I shouldn't be sleepy. I should be able to do this. I'm going to plan to leave early Friday morning. I have to come back to spend time with a friend I have plans with. Great isn't it how I go through days of nothingness and then actually have to cram things in? That's how it generally goes. Maybe it's taking other pressures to give me motivation to do this.
I just talked to my grandmother, not at all about this. And she said something in reference to someone else about always being able to do what we needed to do. She's wrong, and I actually pointed that out to her, which I'm not sure is appropriate to do to a woman in her 80s, but I did it. And even though she's wrong, she has a point. It's not an absolute, but sometimes you need to do the things you need to do. And you will be able to do them. Because you need to. And sometimes that's true. And it has to be true for me tonight and for the next couple of days. I think I will be glad that I did this. I'm not yet sure for what reason, but I think that will become clear. I am going to load up the Christmas music and try to be present and goal-oriented and somewhat open-minded. I'm going to do it because I need to.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Venting Thoughts
I have been staying with my mother during this time of relative crisis. It has been nice to have the refuge and the absence of rent and the sometimes-presence of people. But it's also become a slightly dysfunctional situation. I am not sure if it's better to be here or to take a risky plunge and move to something else. Because of logistics I have to stay here for at least another month or so. She is sometimes fine and supportive, but can have a tendency towards moodiness and irrationality. It's a seesaw of added stress and added support.
I have been toying with the idea still of driving the 10 hours to see E. He is selectively responding to my text messages, which is frustrating, and reflective of his typical style of passive aggression. He avoids what he does not want to answer or address, without any further acknowledgment. I was thinking of going tomorrow, but I need to do applications that are due tomorrow, and I'm also nervous about the entire prospect. It has been comforting to have it as an option, but I'm just not sure whether to actually do it or not. I may go Tuesday. I'll see. I don't know what it would accomplish. If we spend New Years together, it would take away the anxiety of nothingness looming in the future. But it's been 3 months since we've even seen each other at all, and that was only briefly. We don't really talk anymore. It's horrible. Part of me hopes that driving there would make a statement, that maybe some clarity would come? Or that at least it would make the New Years trip less dramatic, fewer expectations. I just don't know when to stop hoping.
Actually, now that I think about it, as much as I'm beyond irritated that I am always the instigator of all things, the soother, the problem solver, and yet I get burned, the reality of my situation now is that I am inert, frozen, confused, in pain, and with a lot of unscheduled time. What do I have to lose? He sent me a text yesterday saying that he was really nervous about the New Years trip. That seriously pissed me off. I have no sympathy. He comes across as so weak. It scares me and frustrates me. At the same time, what good is waiting for him doing? I need clarity one way or another. This is potentially the rest of my life. This has been the focus of my life for over 4 years. It's not so easy to just let go and move on. In fact, it's impossible, despite all the professions from others to the contrary.
I have been toying with the idea still of driving the 10 hours to see E. He is selectively responding to my text messages, which is frustrating, and reflective of his typical style of passive aggression. He avoids what he does not want to answer or address, without any further acknowledgment. I was thinking of going tomorrow, but I need to do applications that are due tomorrow, and I'm also nervous about the entire prospect. It has been comforting to have it as an option, but I'm just not sure whether to actually do it or not. I may go Tuesday. I'll see. I don't know what it would accomplish. If we spend New Years together, it would take away the anxiety of nothingness looming in the future. But it's been 3 months since we've even seen each other at all, and that was only briefly. We don't really talk anymore. It's horrible. Part of me hopes that driving there would make a statement, that maybe some clarity would come? Or that at least it would make the New Years trip less dramatic, fewer expectations. I just don't know when to stop hoping.
Actually, now that I think about it, as much as I'm beyond irritated that I am always the instigator of all things, the soother, the problem solver, and yet I get burned, the reality of my situation now is that I am inert, frozen, confused, in pain, and with a lot of unscheduled time. What do I have to lose? He sent me a text yesterday saying that he was really nervous about the New Years trip. That seriously pissed me off. I have no sympathy. He comes across as so weak. It scares me and frustrates me. At the same time, what good is waiting for him doing? I need clarity one way or another. This is potentially the rest of my life. This has been the focus of my life for over 4 years. It's not so easy to just let go and move on. In fact, it's impossible, despite all the professions from others to the contrary.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Hope?
I've been drinking wine. And hanging out with my mother's friends. They are somewhat wild and irreverent and rejuvenating? But I wonder what my future is. Men who constantly desire and comment on younger women? That's something we discussed. It's nauseating. It is the ultimate objectification of women. That even after they have been supports and lovers and constant companions, men still want younger women, and it's acceptable for people to discuss that desire in public. A woman falling out of love. That should not be revolutionary. I spent time with three women in their fifties, who are in their own right, phenomenal, and yet defined by their husbands, in one way or another. God, I have no hope. Do I succumb to this definition? Wait to find the man who defies it? It's so depressing. Where is Prince Charming? Cliche though that may be, people keep it alive and it becomes idealized and unattainable, but still idealized, presented as the desirable and optimal option. Maybe it's really not. I turned my phone off. It gives me relief. Is that terrible? My throat hurts. Ugh! Chain of Fools?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sang a Christmas Carol
That was progress. The sun was out today and I drove to the beach for a walk and some vitamin D and I actually sang along in the car to a Christmas song. It struck me even at the moment that that was maybe the most lighthearted I had felt in six months. Wow. I cannot believe it's been that long. Seriously unbelievable. It's so depressing.
So I was going okay with my plan that I posted about last time, except that I failed to take note of the fact that boeuf bourguignon takes 8 hours to make. I made it. And an orange Bavarian cream. Which all sounded lovely, but it took forever and, disappointingly, neither tasted fabulous. I then started feeling sorry for myself and watched TV movies until 6 AM. Yes. 6 AM. Not a good move. I started crying uncontrollably. Definitely harder than I've been able to cry in 6 months, which made me mad at myself and feel sorry for myself at the time, but maybe in the end it was cathartic? I don't know. I slept fitfully and into most of the next day and woke up with a pounding headache. Stayed in bed nearly the whole day feeling completely miserable.
Forgive relapses. That's what I keep telling myself. When I finally hit a wall of boredom or sadness or something along those lines, I made myself take a bath, which seemed a cliche thing to do, but actually did help, and at least snapped me into semi-awareness. I spent most of Monday in bed, too, despite the best of intentions, but then went to dinner with the friend I was supposed to spend time with Sunday, but didn't because I couldn't get out of bed. Wow this is bad. She revived me. Not her, but just getting out and having a conversation with someone. And her mother started texting her panicked and in the midst of a crisis, which sort of put my life in perspective, but also did not do much to sustain my faith in marriage. She has been married for something like 35 years, and her husband is apparently still, or maybe newly, being a colossal dickhead. So upsetting.
Today I was somewhat back on track. I woke up at a decent hour even though I didn't want to, because I had to drive my mom to get her car fixed. It was sunny and rejuvenating. I felt so much better all day. Maybe getting up early is a key? I just don't know how to make myself do it. I set my alarm every morning for 8:00, but I just hit it and go back to sleep. It never works. Anyway, I resumed beach walking today, which was good for my soul and definitely energizing. Later in the day I started to feel deprived of social interaction and sort of alone, which was tough. I called a friend, but she was in the middle of things. I made some progress on my applications, though not nearly as much as I needed to, but that's not the point. I'm trying to be proud of small steps. It was a vast improvement from staying in bed all day with a sobfest hangover.
The latest news is that E has suggested going away for New Years. Actually, that is not correct. I pushed and cajoled him into it, which I am on some level ashamed of, but I'm also taking the nothing to lose approach right now. I don't want to have any regrets. He won't take action and I'm immobilized in the process. It has to stop. I told him my fear was that he would back out of the trip and that nothing would change afterwards. He reassured me that he would not back out of the trip, but said he could not reassure me of anything else, that he was tired of the stress of decisions and wanted to take it a step at a time. Okay, so this instantly terrifies me. Am I being a complete moron? Am I walking into a non-deliberate trap? I'm going to go there and get close to him again and nothing will change and I will be living in hell and be sent several steps back in this process.
On the other hand, it's at least time to see him, uninterrupted, which we have not had since I can't even remember when. The closest thing was last New Years, but we were with friends for all but a couple of days of it so I don't even really count that. This would be three to four days of uninterrupted us-ness. I hate to admit it, but it sounds blissful to me. Even after all this. That either makes me a pathetic masochist or it's a sign that there is something real and meaningful to this, to us. I've always had the feeling that if we could just be together things would be okay. But he does not seem to share that sentiment. And he is actively, and has actively, prevented that togetherness from happening. And he still seems to be dragging his feet. It all seems so illogical, but that's why I think I keep getting myself in this situation over and over again. Because I keep thinking that something has to change this time because the pieces don't add up, but there have to be pieces I'm just not seeing. So should I prepare myself for the worst but go anyway? Hope for the best, give my all and enjoy it? Refuse to go, which by default would probably end the relationship for good. Although, interestingly he didn't want to go anywhere with me initially because he thought it would be too stressful. I had to convince him. God, this is so depressing.
I have to go. I may regret it, but I feel I have no choice. My goal will be resolution, however that has to happen, in whichever direction it will happen. Yes, it's scary and I may be committing emotional suicide. But my gut is telling me to do it anyway. And it may scar me even farther, but I'm not sure how that's possible. And even if it is, it won't kill me. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane. I feel like I am pouring water out of a bottle and it is defying gravity, floating up instead of pouring out. The outcome is so baffling and bizarre that I assume it must be a fluke and so keep pouring and pouring, assuming this time that it will drop out of the bottle. But I'm failing to miss that I have somehow, inexplicably, entered an anti-gravity chamber, remote a possibility as that may seem. And so all my attempts are futile. The outcome and explanation are complete outliers, making them unlikely, but plausible, and unfortunately, mind-bogglingly real and true.
My inability to change the situation may lead me to resort to finger crossing and prayers. Which will undoubtedly fail, but maybe at least I'll gain insight into the situation by going? I'm hoping. I've spent over 4 years with this person and never saw this coming, but maybe now I will look for different things, ask different questions. I am just hoping, hoping that A) he will not back out, B) we will not spend the whole time either fighting or in silence, and C) that there is some resolution, some clarity and change in both heart and circumstance afterward. And if I dare, D) that he will somehow break through all communication barriers, emerge doubt-free, seek intimacy and be the committed and doting partner that I have always envisioned him being. I'll let you know how those turn out.
So I was going okay with my plan that I posted about last time, except that I failed to take note of the fact that boeuf bourguignon takes 8 hours to make. I made it. And an orange Bavarian cream. Which all sounded lovely, but it took forever and, disappointingly, neither tasted fabulous. I then started feeling sorry for myself and watched TV movies until 6 AM. Yes. 6 AM. Not a good move. I started crying uncontrollably. Definitely harder than I've been able to cry in 6 months, which made me mad at myself and feel sorry for myself at the time, but maybe in the end it was cathartic? I don't know. I slept fitfully and into most of the next day and woke up with a pounding headache. Stayed in bed nearly the whole day feeling completely miserable.
Forgive relapses. That's what I keep telling myself. When I finally hit a wall of boredom or sadness or something along those lines, I made myself take a bath, which seemed a cliche thing to do, but actually did help, and at least snapped me into semi-awareness. I spent most of Monday in bed, too, despite the best of intentions, but then went to dinner with the friend I was supposed to spend time with Sunday, but didn't because I couldn't get out of bed. Wow this is bad. She revived me. Not her, but just getting out and having a conversation with someone. And her mother started texting her panicked and in the midst of a crisis, which sort of put my life in perspective, but also did not do much to sustain my faith in marriage. She has been married for something like 35 years, and her husband is apparently still, or maybe newly, being a colossal dickhead. So upsetting.
Today I was somewhat back on track. I woke up at a decent hour even though I didn't want to, because I had to drive my mom to get her car fixed. It was sunny and rejuvenating. I felt so much better all day. Maybe getting up early is a key? I just don't know how to make myself do it. I set my alarm every morning for 8:00, but I just hit it and go back to sleep. It never works. Anyway, I resumed beach walking today, which was good for my soul and definitely energizing. Later in the day I started to feel deprived of social interaction and sort of alone, which was tough. I called a friend, but she was in the middle of things. I made some progress on my applications, though not nearly as much as I needed to, but that's not the point. I'm trying to be proud of small steps. It was a vast improvement from staying in bed all day with a sobfest hangover.
The latest news is that E has suggested going away for New Years. Actually, that is not correct. I pushed and cajoled him into it, which I am on some level ashamed of, but I'm also taking the nothing to lose approach right now. I don't want to have any regrets. He won't take action and I'm immobilized in the process. It has to stop. I told him my fear was that he would back out of the trip and that nothing would change afterwards. He reassured me that he would not back out of the trip, but said he could not reassure me of anything else, that he was tired of the stress of decisions and wanted to take it a step at a time. Okay, so this instantly terrifies me. Am I being a complete moron? Am I walking into a non-deliberate trap? I'm going to go there and get close to him again and nothing will change and I will be living in hell and be sent several steps back in this process.
On the other hand, it's at least time to see him, uninterrupted, which we have not had since I can't even remember when. The closest thing was last New Years, but we were with friends for all but a couple of days of it so I don't even really count that. This would be three to four days of uninterrupted us-ness. I hate to admit it, but it sounds blissful to me. Even after all this. That either makes me a pathetic masochist or it's a sign that there is something real and meaningful to this, to us. I've always had the feeling that if we could just be together things would be okay. But he does not seem to share that sentiment. And he is actively, and has actively, prevented that togetherness from happening. And he still seems to be dragging his feet. It all seems so illogical, but that's why I think I keep getting myself in this situation over and over again. Because I keep thinking that something has to change this time because the pieces don't add up, but there have to be pieces I'm just not seeing. So should I prepare myself for the worst but go anyway? Hope for the best, give my all and enjoy it? Refuse to go, which by default would probably end the relationship for good. Although, interestingly he didn't want to go anywhere with me initially because he thought it would be too stressful. I had to convince him. God, this is so depressing.
I have to go. I may regret it, but I feel I have no choice. My goal will be resolution, however that has to happen, in whichever direction it will happen. Yes, it's scary and I may be committing emotional suicide. But my gut is telling me to do it anyway. And it may scar me even farther, but I'm not sure how that's possible. And even if it is, it won't kill me. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane. I feel like I am pouring water out of a bottle and it is defying gravity, floating up instead of pouring out. The outcome is so baffling and bizarre that I assume it must be a fluke and so keep pouring and pouring, assuming this time that it will drop out of the bottle. But I'm failing to miss that I have somehow, inexplicably, entered an anti-gravity chamber, remote a possibility as that may seem. And so all my attempts are futile. The outcome and explanation are complete outliers, making them unlikely, but plausible, and unfortunately, mind-bogglingly real and true.
My inability to change the situation may lead me to resort to finger crossing and prayers. Which will undoubtedly fail, but maybe at least I'll gain insight into the situation by going? I'm hoping. I've spent over 4 years with this person and never saw this coming, but maybe now I will look for different things, ask different questions. I am just hoping, hoping that A) he will not back out, B) we will not spend the whole time either fighting or in silence, and C) that there is some resolution, some clarity and change in both heart and circumstance afterward. And if I dare, D) that he will somehow break through all communication barriers, emerge doubt-free, seek intimacy and be the committed and doting partner that I have always envisioned him being. I'll let you know how those turn out.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Gray. And more gray.
I'm not doing well. And I don't mean in a throw myself a pity party and wallow kind of way. I'm actually worried about myself. And still torn between courses of action. I thought about driving ten hours to where E lives. For the last week or two that thought gave me some sort of comfort, a sense of control. I could decide at any point to do that or not. I was going to leave tomorrow. Except that I talked to him last night. And he told me he is using his one day off to drive to see a friend whose father just died. Good guy right? That's what a nice person, a thoughtful friend would do. And yet I can't help but think he has a day off and he's going to see his friend and not me. I am not an emergency. I am not a priority. Except that I should be. A friend in need should be visited, should be seen. But when your entire life and relationship is falling apart and the person you love is depressed and miserable and having constant breakdowns, and you're using your limited amount of time as an excuse for why you can't be there for her, then maybe the best course of action is to delay seeing that friend, to send flowers and a note and a call to that friend, and deal with what's really important.
And what's worse is that I can't tell him this because he already constantly thinks I'm criticizing him, nagging him, blaming him. To which I would say, then quit screwing up. Quit being a coward and make a fucking decision. And maybe that is his decision. Treating me like this should cause me to make a decision. But I can't. It's killing me. Wow. This is really bad. And not at all my purpose when I started writing this. What I was going to say is that I talked to him yesterday and a part of it was nice. I don't feel any better. At all. I don't feel loved or wanted or prioritized. I have hoped and been let down so many times. And he still won't give me a clear answer. How would this ever survive? I don't know. But I have to feel like I did everything I could. I won't be able to move on if I don't.
He told me I should have gotten a job by now if I wanted one. He doesn't understand that I'm not doing that because I'm making him my first priority. But he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be responsible. He's willing to risk losing me. If I did nothing to fight for this he would just move on. Again. I'm always pushing and pushing and hoping for a breakthrough. I can't decide whether to keep going or give up and move on. But I tried to move on and it didn't work. It made me more miserable. I don't think I'm there yet. But I need to expedite the situation or it's going to kill me. Which is why I'm trying to take control of it. Which is why I was going to drive there. I think I still might. It may do nothing. But right now I am doing nothing. And maybe it will feel like I'm making a step I need to make. I don't know. I just need to keep it on the table. I'm considering going on the 14th. Monday. Right now that's the most logical time. He doesn't have a day off. But if he did he'd probably be visiting a friend. God, this is so pathetic! It's unbelievable. I never ever thought I'd end up in a situation like this. And he somehow justifies it. Rationalizes the whole thing. Seems to question my very worth as a human, as a partner. It's humiliating. How is it possible to love someone so completely, to be willing to do anything for him, and then be treated like this? I am not that type of person. I don't know how it happened.
But now I have to get through it and out of it somehow. It's not coming easily. And I can practically feel myself aging and time slipping through my fingers constantly. I have decided on two things. They may change. But right now I need some sense of control to pull myself out of the icky mess of stagnation that I'm in. He says that he is going to come see me this weekend. I don't believe him. It's in six days and he doesn't have a ticket. I'm not going to count on that. I'm going to plan to drive there on the 14th. I'm going to leave at 7 AM, which with an hour stop, should put me there at 5. Maybe I'll leave at 8. He's never off work by 5. I'm not sure yet whether or not to tell him. Because knowing him the whole thing will go to hell and he'll have something else going on or be out of town inexplicably or have a friend over. And that will just be extremely frustrating and humiliating. And he won't have time to talk. But it will be a gesture. It will make me feel like I've done something. Like I have some sense of control. And I hate to admit this, but my body is aching for affection. Not sex, just being held. At this point I would probably let a convicted criminal spoon me. Maybe it would destroy me emotionally to sleep with him (and I really mean sleep, not "sleep"), but it might be somewhat healing. I don't know. I will report back. His birthday is in a couple of weeks. It may mean nothing to him, but I decided I'm going to give him a present. Which may seem ridiculous to people. But people won't know. It's none of their business. And this is a person I've loved and been with for years now and I am taking the high road. I never want him to be able to say I didn't do every positive gesture, to ever say that I was mean or neglectful or anything else terrible. I figure if we are ever together, it will have been something positive, and if we're not, I will have done all I could and it will be easier to move on. I hope.
The second thing is that I'm going to continue in my life, at least in action, as though I am not going to be with him. This may take awhile to fully take effect. But I have to do it. He told me to get a job. Away from him. What more do I need? I cannot count on a miracle. At the same time I can't play games or feel like I'm not being honest with him about my feelings and needs and desires and like I've done everything I can for this to work. Plus there may be literal deadlines because I will have to make grad school decisions. It may make me go through emotional hell again, but I feel like it's better to spend some time trying to make this work than giving up now. At least we'll know. Not that maybe it's not known now. But it's not. Not to the deepest part of me. And that's what matters. I'm in hell now. I can go through a different kind of it if it will bring me knowledge and clarity and the ability to move forward. I wish I could drop it. Honestly I do. Of course I also wish he would just love me and treat me well and make a commitment to me and we would live happily ever after. But if that is not going to be possible, then I wish I could drop it. Get over him. Have an E substitute waiting in the wings. Start planning a wedding. But all of that is crazy. It is a gray issue, as all are.
I am going to have to strike a balance between persistently pushing him to make a decision, no matter how hurtful it is, because I have realized I cannot give up on him on my own and I cannot continue living in waiting. It's devastating and humiliating. And moving forward with my life. Because I am depressed. And it's killing me. And I'm not willing to waste my life. I have to move beyond this. But I'm afraid what will happen is I will make a move and he'll say, see, I guess it's not going to work, I guess this didn't really mean anything to you. It's insane logic. Totally insane. Which is why I don't want to just move on without yes, even more of a fight. It's insane. I know. But there has to be a balance between moving on and fighting. I have to do both simultaneously and constantly reassess as things continue. I am hoping for light. Praying for it. And I don't pray.
I have become depressed and paralyzed. I need to get out of this. I have a headache that is immune to massive quantities of Advil consumption. I think this is a message from my body. And my brain. Save us! You're better than this! In the short term,...dear God it's almost 1:00. I can't believe this. But that's fine. I'm being positive. It's not dark yet. Although it's horribly gray and dreary and rainy. And will soon be completely dark. Awesome. I am going to get up and put on a show on Hulu. I'm going to get dressed, make myself look decent, and go downstairs and eat some fruit and juice and milk and peanut noodles. Then I am going to bundle up and go to the beach. Yes, in the rain and ickiness. Because it is peaceful and I need fresh air and a walk. I'm losing it in here. I'm going to call my grandmother on the phone. I'm going to go to my favorite nail salon and get one of those 10 minute chair massages. Because I need physical contact and anxiety reduction.
I'm going to come back home and straighten my room and start some laundry, and work on my applications and plow through my to do list. Okay, plow is too strong a word. I am going to accomplish a couple of items. I am going to do something nice for myself tonight. I don't know what that is yet. Maybe read a book? Wow, we're digging to the bottom of the barrel here. Should I go by the bookstore? Maybe. But that might be too ambitious for today. I need something I could feel a modicum of excitement about. Cooking? Maybe I could find a recipe and then stop by the store for ingredients? I had wanted to make Julia's boeuf bourguignon. But I don't know if I want to touch raw beef. I thought about a movie, but I don't really like movies. I need to create something. Maybe I will do the boeuf. Maybe the grocery store will be my post massage trip? Wow, I have the resemblance of an actual plan. Yay for behavioral activation! Although I could be losing out on time. Realistically I won't leave here until 2. I would be home around 4. I suppose I could wait and start the boeuf at 8? Have it be an evening activity? To do list first? Yes, I could do that. Or maybe I won't. But it's at least a plan instead of a vast empty nothingness of sadly wasted time.
Tomorrow I am having brunch with a good friend. It makes me upset to talk about my current non-relationship situation, but I just won't talk about that. Because she's a good friend. We have fun together. And I want to see her. And I can't let my depression and shame overtake me. Because they could. If I don't fight them. I'm going to take a shower, and style my hair, and wear something cute. And then after brunch I'm going to go see a movie with my cousin. These are plans. Temporary, but real. And they might keep me afloat. I will go from there. Monday more to do listing? More beach walking? I may even do a beach walk tomorrow morning before brunch. That may be too ambitious but it is at least an option. The problem is that I feel better after making these plans, but then I don't actually want to do them. And that scares me. Because these are not horrible or monumental things. Ordinarily they would be enjoyable. But somehow they're not. Red flag #1 of depression. I've got to get out of it. Maybe if I start doing, start laughing, even if I relapse on occasion, I will slowly move forward, make some progress. I have to.
I spent one entire day this week doing applications that I hated. I am proud of myself. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it. It was a horrible, aversive, emotional experience with a lot of pressure. But I did it. I have more to do, but I often don't congratulate myself enough on accomplishments, no matter how small. I focus on what I have not done. I made two hair appointments. Got up and went when I didn't really want to. Fought off a feeling of panic at one of them. I know that this signifies major levels of pathetic-ness and distress. But I am not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the positive things.
Positive Focus:
In spite of my splitting incurable headache and creeping depression, I am in good health. I am (relatively) young. Age is always relative. It could be worse. I can still reach my goals. My life has not ended. There is room for positive, non-debilitating experiences. I have family members who I enjoy and can actually stand to be around. Not all of them, but there are enough. They have been a support. Even just by existing. I don't know what I would do without them. Even though my friends are sick of hearing my neverending non-relationship saga and feel sorry for me, I have them. I have an entire handful of good friends who are solid people. I might be dead without them. In spite of incredible searing pain from my current experience, I have had 2 truly amazing experiences with love. Some people never even have one. Even married people.
And what's worse is that I can't tell him this because he already constantly thinks I'm criticizing him, nagging him, blaming him. To which I would say, then quit screwing up. Quit being a coward and make a fucking decision. And maybe that is his decision. Treating me like this should cause me to make a decision. But I can't. It's killing me. Wow. This is really bad. And not at all my purpose when I started writing this. What I was going to say is that I talked to him yesterday and a part of it was nice. I don't feel any better. At all. I don't feel loved or wanted or prioritized. I have hoped and been let down so many times. And he still won't give me a clear answer. How would this ever survive? I don't know. But I have to feel like I did everything I could. I won't be able to move on if I don't.
He told me I should have gotten a job by now if I wanted one. He doesn't understand that I'm not doing that because I'm making him my first priority. But he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be responsible. He's willing to risk losing me. If I did nothing to fight for this he would just move on. Again. I'm always pushing and pushing and hoping for a breakthrough. I can't decide whether to keep going or give up and move on. But I tried to move on and it didn't work. It made me more miserable. I don't think I'm there yet. But I need to expedite the situation or it's going to kill me. Which is why I'm trying to take control of it. Which is why I was going to drive there. I think I still might. It may do nothing. But right now I am doing nothing. And maybe it will feel like I'm making a step I need to make. I don't know. I just need to keep it on the table. I'm considering going on the 14th. Monday. Right now that's the most logical time. He doesn't have a day off. But if he did he'd probably be visiting a friend. God, this is so pathetic! It's unbelievable. I never ever thought I'd end up in a situation like this. And he somehow justifies it. Rationalizes the whole thing. Seems to question my very worth as a human, as a partner. It's humiliating. How is it possible to love someone so completely, to be willing to do anything for him, and then be treated like this? I am not that type of person. I don't know how it happened.
But now I have to get through it and out of it somehow. It's not coming easily. And I can practically feel myself aging and time slipping through my fingers constantly. I have decided on two things. They may change. But right now I need some sense of control to pull myself out of the icky mess of stagnation that I'm in. He says that he is going to come see me this weekend. I don't believe him. It's in six days and he doesn't have a ticket. I'm not going to count on that. I'm going to plan to drive there on the 14th. I'm going to leave at 7 AM, which with an hour stop, should put me there at 5. Maybe I'll leave at 8. He's never off work by 5. I'm not sure yet whether or not to tell him. Because knowing him the whole thing will go to hell and he'll have something else going on or be out of town inexplicably or have a friend over. And that will just be extremely frustrating and humiliating. And he won't have time to talk. But it will be a gesture. It will make me feel like I've done something. Like I have some sense of control. And I hate to admit this, but my body is aching for affection. Not sex, just being held. At this point I would probably let a convicted criminal spoon me. Maybe it would destroy me emotionally to sleep with him (and I really mean sleep, not "sleep"), but it might be somewhat healing. I don't know. I will report back. His birthday is in a couple of weeks. It may mean nothing to him, but I decided I'm going to give him a present. Which may seem ridiculous to people. But people won't know. It's none of their business. And this is a person I've loved and been with for years now and I am taking the high road. I never want him to be able to say I didn't do every positive gesture, to ever say that I was mean or neglectful or anything else terrible. I figure if we are ever together, it will have been something positive, and if we're not, I will have done all I could and it will be easier to move on. I hope.
The second thing is that I'm going to continue in my life, at least in action, as though I am not going to be with him. This may take awhile to fully take effect. But I have to do it. He told me to get a job. Away from him. What more do I need? I cannot count on a miracle. At the same time I can't play games or feel like I'm not being honest with him about my feelings and needs and desires and like I've done everything I can for this to work. Plus there may be literal deadlines because I will have to make grad school decisions. It may make me go through emotional hell again, but I feel like it's better to spend some time trying to make this work than giving up now. At least we'll know. Not that maybe it's not known now. But it's not. Not to the deepest part of me. And that's what matters. I'm in hell now. I can go through a different kind of it if it will bring me knowledge and clarity and the ability to move forward. I wish I could drop it. Honestly I do. Of course I also wish he would just love me and treat me well and make a commitment to me and we would live happily ever after. But if that is not going to be possible, then I wish I could drop it. Get over him. Have an E substitute waiting in the wings. Start planning a wedding. But all of that is crazy. It is a gray issue, as all are.
I am going to have to strike a balance between persistently pushing him to make a decision, no matter how hurtful it is, because I have realized I cannot give up on him on my own and I cannot continue living in waiting. It's devastating and humiliating. And moving forward with my life. Because I am depressed. And it's killing me. And I'm not willing to waste my life. I have to move beyond this. But I'm afraid what will happen is I will make a move and he'll say, see, I guess it's not going to work, I guess this didn't really mean anything to you. It's insane logic. Totally insane. Which is why I don't want to just move on without yes, even more of a fight. It's insane. I know. But there has to be a balance between moving on and fighting. I have to do both simultaneously and constantly reassess as things continue. I am hoping for light. Praying for it. And I don't pray.
I have become depressed and paralyzed. I need to get out of this. I have a headache that is immune to massive quantities of Advil consumption. I think this is a message from my body. And my brain. Save us! You're better than this! In the short term,...dear God it's almost 1:00. I can't believe this. But that's fine. I'm being positive. It's not dark yet. Although it's horribly gray and dreary and rainy. And will soon be completely dark. Awesome. I am going to get up and put on a show on Hulu. I'm going to get dressed, make myself look decent, and go downstairs and eat some fruit and juice and milk and peanut noodles. Then I am going to bundle up and go to the beach. Yes, in the rain and ickiness. Because it is peaceful and I need fresh air and a walk. I'm losing it in here. I'm going to call my grandmother on the phone. I'm going to go to my favorite nail salon and get one of those 10 minute chair massages. Because I need physical contact and anxiety reduction.
I'm going to come back home and straighten my room and start some laundry, and work on my applications and plow through my to do list. Okay, plow is too strong a word. I am going to accomplish a couple of items. I am going to do something nice for myself tonight. I don't know what that is yet. Maybe read a book? Wow, we're digging to the bottom of the barrel here. Should I go by the bookstore? Maybe. But that might be too ambitious for today. I need something I could feel a modicum of excitement about. Cooking? Maybe I could find a recipe and then stop by the store for ingredients? I had wanted to make Julia's boeuf bourguignon. But I don't know if I want to touch raw beef. I thought about a movie, but I don't really like movies. I need to create something. Maybe I will do the boeuf. Maybe the grocery store will be my post massage trip? Wow, I have the resemblance of an actual plan. Yay for behavioral activation! Although I could be losing out on time. Realistically I won't leave here until 2. I would be home around 4. I suppose I could wait and start the boeuf at 8? Have it be an evening activity? To do list first? Yes, I could do that. Or maybe I won't. But it's at least a plan instead of a vast empty nothingness of sadly wasted time.
Tomorrow I am having brunch with a good friend. It makes me upset to talk about my current non-relationship situation, but I just won't talk about that. Because she's a good friend. We have fun together. And I want to see her. And I can't let my depression and shame overtake me. Because they could. If I don't fight them. I'm going to take a shower, and style my hair, and wear something cute. And then after brunch I'm going to go see a movie with my cousin. These are plans. Temporary, but real. And they might keep me afloat. I will go from there. Monday more to do listing? More beach walking? I may even do a beach walk tomorrow morning before brunch. That may be too ambitious but it is at least an option. The problem is that I feel better after making these plans, but then I don't actually want to do them. And that scares me. Because these are not horrible or monumental things. Ordinarily they would be enjoyable. But somehow they're not. Red flag #1 of depression. I've got to get out of it. Maybe if I start doing, start laughing, even if I relapse on occasion, I will slowly move forward, make some progress. I have to.
I spent one entire day this week doing applications that I hated. I am proud of myself. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it. It was a horrible, aversive, emotional experience with a lot of pressure. But I did it. I have more to do, but I often don't congratulate myself enough on accomplishments, no matter how small. I focus on what I have not done. I made two hair appointments. Got up and went when I didn't really want to. Fought off a feeling of panic at one of them. I know that this signifies major levels of pathetic-ness and distress. But I am not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the positive things.
Positive Focus:
In spite of my splitting incurable headache and creeping depression, I am in good health. I am (relatively) young. Age is always relative. It could be worse. I can still reach my goals. My life has not ended. There is room for positive, non-debilitating experiences. I have family members who I enjoy and can actually stand to be around. Not all of them, but there are enough. They have been a support. Even just by existing. I don't know what I would do without them. Even though my friends are sick of hearing my neverending non-relationship saga and feel sorry for me, I have them. I have an entire handful of good friends who are solid people. I might be dead without them. In spite of incredible searing pain from my current experience, I have had 2 truly amazing experiences with love. Some people never even have one. Even married people.
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