Sang a Christmas Carol

That was progress. The sun was out today and I drove to the beach for a walk and some vitamin D and I actually sang along in the car to a Christmas song. It struck me even at the moment that that was maybe the most lighthearted I had felt in six months. Wow. I cannot believe it's been that long. Seriously unbelievable. It's so depressing.

So I was going okay with my plan that I posted about last time, except that I failed to take note of the fact that boeuf bourguignon takes 8 hours to make. I made it. And an orange Bavarian cream. Which all sounded lovely, but it took forever and, disappointingly, neither tasted fabulous. I then started feeling sorry for myself and watched TV movies until 6 AM. Yes. 6 AM. Not a good move. I started crying uncontrollably. Definitely harder than I've been able to cry in 6 months, which made me mad at myself and feel sorry for myself at the time, but maybe in the end it was cathartic? I don't know. I slept fitfully and into most of the next day and woke up with a pounding headache. Stayed in bed nearly the whole day feeling completely miserable.

Forgive relapses. That's what I keep telling myself. When I finally hit a wall of boredom or sadness or something along those lines, I made myself take a bath, which seemed a cliche thing to do, but actually did help, and at least snapped me into semi-awareness. I spent most of Monday in bed, too, despite the best of intentions, but then went to dinner with the friend I was supposed to spend time with Sunday, but didn't because I couldn't get out of bed. Wow this is bad. She revived me. Not her, but just getting out and having a conversation with someone. And her mother started texting her panicked and in the midst of a crisis, which sort of put my life in perspective, but also did not do much to sustain my faith in marriage. She has been married for something like 35 years, and her husband is apparently still, or maybe newly, being a colossal dickhead. So upsetting.

Today I was somewhat back on track. I woke up at a decent hour even though I didn't want to, because I had to drive my mom to get her car fixed. It was sunny and rejuvenating. I felt so much better all day. Maybe getting up early is a key? I just don't know how to make myself do it. I set my alarm every morning for 8:00, but I just hit it and go back to sleep. It never works. Anyway, I resumed beach walking today, which was good for my soul and definitely energizing. Later in the day I started to feel deprived of social interaction and sort of alone, which was tough. I called a friend, but she was in the middle of things. I made some progress on my applications, though not nearly as much as I needed to, but that's not the point. I'm trying to be proud of small steps. It was a vast improvement from staying in bed all day with a sobfest hangover.

The latest news is that E has suggested going away for New Years. Actually, that is not correct. I pushed and cajoled him into it, which I am on some level ashamed of, but I'm also taking the nothing to lose approach right now. I don't want to have any regrets. He won't take action and I'm immobilized in the process. It has to stop. I told him my fear was that he would back out of the trip and that nothing would change afterwards. He reassured me that he would not back out of the trip, but said he could not reassure me of anything else, that he was tired of the stress of decisions and wanted to take it a step at a time. Okay, so this instantly terrifies me. Am I being a complete moron? Am I walking into a non-deliberate trap? I'm going to go there and get close to him again and nothing will change and I will be living in hell and be sent several steps back in this process.

On the other hand, it's at least time to see him, uninterrupted, which we have not had since I can't even remember when. The closest thing was last New Years, but we were with friends for all but a couple of days of it so I don't even really count that. This would be three to four days of uninterrupted us-ness. I hate to admit it, but it sounds blissful to me. Even after all this. That either makes me a pathetic masochist or it's a sign that there is something real and meaningful to this, to us. I've always had the feeling that if we could just be together things would be okay. But he does not seem to share that sentiment. And he is actively, and has actively, prevented that togetherness from happening. And he still seems to be dragging his feet. It all seems so illogical, but that's why I think I keep getting myself in this situation over and over again. Because I keep thinking that something has to change this time because the pieces don't add up, but there have to be pieces I'm just not seeing. So should I prepare myself for the worst but go anyway? Hope for the best, give my all and enjoy it? Refuse to go, which by default would probably end the relationship for good. Although, interestingly he didn't want to go anywhere with me initially because he thought it would be too stressful. I had to convince him. God, this is so depressing.

I have to go. I may regret it, but I feel I have no choice. My goal will be resolution, however that has to happen, in whichever direction it will happen. Yes, it's scary and I may be committing emotional suicide. But my gut is telling me to do it anyway. And it may scar me even farther, but I'm not sure how that's possible. And even if it is, it won't kill me. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane. I feel like I am pouring water out of a bottle and it is defying gravity, floating up instead of pouring out. The outcome is so baffling and bizarre that I assume it must be a fluke and so keep pouring and pouring, assuming this time that it will drop out of the bottle. But I'm failing to miss that I have somehow, inexplicably, entered an anti-gravity chamber, remote a possibility as that may seem. And so all my attempts are futile. The outcome and explanation are complete outliers, making them unlikely, but plausible, and unfortunately, mind-bogglingly real and true.

My inability to change the situation may lead me to resort to finger crossing and prayers. Which will undoubtedly fail, but maybe at least I'll gain insight into the situation by going? I'm hoping. I've spent over 4 years with this person and never saw this coming, but maybe now I will look for different things, ask different questions. I am just hoping, hoping that A) he will not back out, B) we will not spend the whole time either fighting or in silence, and C) that there is some resolution, some clarity and change in both heart and circumstance afterward. And if I dare, D) that he will somehow break through all communication barriers, emerge doubt-free, seek intimacy and be the committed and doting partner that I have always envisioned him being. I'll let you know how those turn out.