Post Convo

Thank God I did not go there. I do not think it was some sort of fated decision. I just think I know him and his behavior and lifestyle. It was a gut feeling. He was at a work dinner until 10:30. There is no giving in this. He said he's waiting for me to act a certain way, to stop blaming him, before he wants to be with me. That don't I understand how destructive blaming is and so why would I do it. To which I would say, quit fucking up. He is blameworthy for things. He broke up with me. Out of nowhere. He WATCHED ME SUFFER and did nothing, provided me no comfort or consolation or explanation. And now he can't deal with life. I hate to admit this, but I'm experiencing a little bit of schadenfreude in his misery at work situation. He cannot take responsibility for his actions. He broke up with me, broke my heart, and continues to do nothing because it doesn't affect his life. Selfish asshole! These are things I cannot say to him, because for now, I have not nailed the coffin, and even if/when it's nailed, I want to come across as the saintly girlfriend that I really am and not stoop to the level of name calling. So I am getting it out here. Fucking asshole narcissistic self-centered passive aggressive bastard! I trusted him, I invested in him, he broke my heart, watched me suffer and did nothing except by inaction keep stepping on my heart and squishing it more every day. He has not responded to any of my sincere expressions of emotion and has somehow instead painted me to be the evil nagging bitch. Fuck him! I am a nice person. Doting. Caring. It is not an act. It is part of what defines me. And to try to twist that to rationalize and justify his own behavior is disgusting. There are always defenses. He won't even own up to his own betrayals, transgressions, mistakes, inadequacies. He defends them to death, even if it involves circular logic and indirect lies. And then he accuses me of being defensive and accusatory, of being deliberately mean. Fuck!

Okay, deep breaths. The confusion and betrayal and disappointment is suffocating. How one person can have this much control over your life is so depressing and maladaptive. I have to stop making excuses for him. He told me it's so stressful to talk because we just fight. That he's waiting to have a normal conversation. Well things were normal this summer, happy, joyful even, and yet, that's when he broke up with me. Because we weren't talking about things. He never takes ownership. He just reacts, blames, justifies. Makes me look like the crazy bitch. He has set this up so that I would be so hurt I would act terribly towards him, because I'm too damn nice otherwise, and then he can blame me.

The irony of spending New Years ending something is not lost on me. I hate New Years anyway. I'm viewing this as a trip for closure. I'm going to hold his feet to the fire. I am not going to lose my cool. He will tell me I'm stressing him out, he's just trying to have a good time, why do I always have to blame him and dwell on the past. And then, he will abandon me and say it's because we're not talking about things and we can't communicate. WE! He left me with no explanation. In the middle of happiness. It's so fucking insane! And now I'm the criminal. I do not understand how this happened. I am going to focus on the promise of my future. I'm going to be thankful for the anger that may help me understand that this is a horrible situation, always had a terrible fate, despite my long-term, years-long delusion to the contrary, and that just maybe I have dodged a bullet.

I need to take control back. Maybe I will write him a letter? He's so god damn sensitive. Why? Because he's guilty. Guilty people become enraged when you point out their transgressions or try to be logical or rational. It infuriates them. Because their goal is to avoid the truth. And people who are actually committed to a relationship are not the types who want to just have a good time and avoid conflict or resolution. Because they're in it for the short term.

That is what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a list of talking points. Print it out. Bring it with me. A choose your own adventure. A list of positives. A list of negatives (aka concerns). And a list of acceptable options, which will not include continuing on in this way. It pisses me off that I am the one who has to do this, but I am not counting on him for anything anymore. He has reached scumbag status. God, and if you knew him! He comes across as a fucking saint! So deceptive. Calm, cool, collected, thoughtful, kind, sensitive. These could go on my good list, except they're only delusions. Fuck! What if I can't find anything for the good list? Hmm...maybe that's my answer. More positively, I have reached independent, self-sufficient, promising, hopeful status. Take control of my life status. Deserving of love status. Or at least I'm getting closer to it. Fuck him!