So So Sad

i feel like crying

I thought it was going okay til now. I'm having a serious setback. Oddly, my mother recently became the most stressful aspect of my life. She has been driving me nuts! Snapping at me, being bossy, insulting me. And she thinks I'm deliberately being mean to her. In some ways it has been an impetus for me to leave here, to go see E, which is what I feel I need to do. But I'm just so so sad about it. I feel so alone. I wish things were better with her. I wish they weren't the way they are. We have vacillated our entire lives, me missing her terribly when I was small and she was gone, her missing me later? I don't know. But it's just this giant tragedy. I find myself falling into this adolescent pattern of trying to distinguish myself from her, to be on my own. But I should be at the point in my life when I cherish her.

I'm trying to make the best of the situation I'm in now, of what it is that I'm living now, because time will keep going regardless. And it's so hard. Because I do think, for many reasons, it would be better for me to not be here right now, at her house. But I also yearn for that balance in our lives. I want the balance of appropriate distance and cherishing and closeness. But it's true that this situation we have now is not sustainable. And initially leaving provides me with a sense of relief, a sense of breath, but then I feel gripped with regret, with sadness, with feeling profoundly alone.

And I find myself becoming angry at E again. He has made no mention of us seeing each other again. We talk for a handful of minutes every few days. It's horribly depressing. He sent me an email a few days ago saying he had never had such intense emotions attached to a set of thoughts about another person. The sad things is that, for him, that is the equivalent of saying I love you madly and can't live without you. I don't know what's going to happen. And now I have an interview, my only interview, at a graduate school near him. And what's going to happen? What will be next? It could be perfect, blissful, wonderful. But it might not be. How can he still not be coming after me? How can he choose to live without me? I cannot live in anger like this, in wondering in doubt, in inaction. I'm going to go there on Sunday, Valentine's Day. I'm going to see what his reaction is. I'm going to just be there, talk to him, because I can't do it from here and I'm going crazy and not doing anything.

But why do I feel so sad about my mother? Why does this have to happen right now? It's dampening all of it. It's making me very anxious. I can't laugh with her, be myself with her. It's depressing. I wish I could. I wish circumstances were different. I hope so much that they are in the future.

I need control. A plan. I can't move forward without knowing things with E. I'm falling apart. After making positive progress, I'm having a serious setback. And I'm trying to forgive it. I'm trying to stay strong, to know that things will get better. They have to. But I can't help but have anxiety that they could get worse. Why is this so hard? I just want love, connection, community, fulfillment. I don't have any of them. I'm afraid E can't give them to me. I'm afraid.

It worries me that I can't call him and tell him I'm upset, sad, depressed, get help from him, seek solace. I think of him as a friend, but is he? He's not there for me. I'm so sad. I don't want to live my life being sad. It's going to be okay. It will.

I sent out Valentines today. I've been meaning to do that for years. And I did it. I need to live by my principles. Go for walks when I need to. Give Valentines when I want to. Express myself when I feel like it. Drink wine when I feel like it. I so fear judgment, other people's reactions. I don't want to do that. It prevents me from acting in the way I want.

I love my mother. I do. I appreciate things she has done for me. I also think it is difficult for us to have a positive relationship in our current situation. I need a plan. A plan for her, a plan for life. I'm going to go upstairs within the next 45 minutes. I'm going to text E, tell him good night, turn out the lights, lock the doors, rinse out my wine glass, rinse my mouth with water, put on whitening strips and then get ready for bed while they're on. wash my face, moisturize, change into pajamas, bring my toothbrush and toothpaste and floss and vitamin into the loft. get my zen book, bring it with me, fill my water bottle. breathe deeply, read the devotional like i used to with M when i was little and had a satin pillow. take off the whiteners after half an hour. watch modern family. make my to do list for tomorrow. maybe look up names. email him. brush my teeth and floss. set my alarm and put my phone somewhere out of reach so i will wake up to turn it off. read zen. breathe. have sweet dreams, sound sleep.

wake up by 8, 8:30, be downstairs by nine, so i can see my mother, clear air, hopefully feel at peace, drink tomato juice with lemon in it. she's right. i don't savor the time between us. it's not entirely my fault. she picks, she says things that are hurtful, alienating. it makes me sad. but the result is that we just exist, not living, not appreciating. i'm going to see her, be more present. find something for breakfast, i don't know what. whiten teeth again. pack. that could take awhile, with the uncertainty of a trip like this. do the things on the list that i need to do before i leave. take a shower. call my mom. just talk to her. make sure she is safe. go to the bank and post office. make food to pack. bring wine. print out directions. drive. be nice. be fun. clear head. sleep soundly.

wake early. rent skis. ski. enjoy the snow, the scenery, the peace, the view. apres ski. savor it. enjoy. talk with M. shower.

wake early. drive. get coffee. stop for lunch. breathe. be calm. get to his town, his house. knock. see what happens. take it from there. be present and calm and act accordingly. to be continued...