The Escape Begins

The title of this post is actually mislabeled. I have been trying to escape for a long time. This is really the beginning of my blogging about escaping limbo. I am in crisis, a relative term, but crisis. The person I thought I would marry (relatively soon) broke up with me. It was 3 months ago. We had dated for 4 years. I was in the process of moving across the country and making major career changes for him, something I did not enter into lightly. We were on a trip together, with his family. He woke up in the middle of the night and told me he couldn't "do this anymore." It was like the plot of a bad Lifetime movie. I was literally in shock. I spent the whole night shaking, crying, in desperate disbelief. It was literally out of nowhere, or so it seemed to me. I escaped to my parents' house, called them crying in the wee hours of the morning, an adult forced to act as a child. Thankfully, they rescued me. I sought refuge. I tried to focus on just eating and sleeping (extremely difficult things to do under the circumstances) for a week. 

And then he called me. We have talked several times since. He has told me he's sorry, he wants to be with me, in various incarnations. I have felt temporary relief, but cannot take him at his word. Trust has been broken. I do not think it is a coincidence that he had a breakdown when real commitment was imminent. I don't doubt he cares about me, but something is keeping him from this. He is still hesitant, reluctant. This has continued for 3 months, my life on hold, in limbo, nothing changing. 2 days ago we talked for 4 hours. 4 hours! I don't know why it was different. I hit a wall. He didn't commit. He didn't ask me to move there, beg me to forgive him, to come back, declare that he couldn't live without me. As impossible as it seems, we somehow talked about nothing of any significance. He said he had more things to talk about. I told him we were growing apart, that I thought he was avoiding the issue, that he still couldn't commit after all this time.

 I told him this wasn't my choice, that I wanted to be with him, had always thought we'd spend our lives together. He said we had more things to talk about. I told him I couldn't "do this anymore." Not because I don't want to be with him. But because I really can't. My life is frozen. I'm stuck in limbo. He says things that are not reflected by his actions. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I trust him anyway. I agree to talk to him again, and again, thinking next time things will be different. I think he doesn't want to be with me, can't really commit to me, but doesn't have the guts to really let go, to be mature and rational and logical and caring in the process. It is outrageously painful, brain-numbingly painful. Sleepless nights, too sad to sob, gut-wrenching, nauseated constantly, death of my dreams, stab me in the heart painful. 

I said it because I meant it. But not because I don't still want this. I'm just desperate. I was prepared to let go, but secretly thought he wouldn't let me. It's been two days, no text messages, no phone calls. I've had to turn off my phone to save myself from the obsession of checking it. It's been my worst fear, but I honestly never thought it would be confirmed. On some level I still don't. I still have the delusion of reprieve. Or maybe hope? Insanity? We'll see. Time will pass, no matter how slowly, how painfully. And I have to try to take control of it in the process. This is my life. I'm on a mission to escape limbo. And hopefully to find happiness.

Oddly, I found my way into the blogging community through infertility blogs. It's a topic that has always fascinated me, and I related to the theme of loss. I have never gone through it myself, have never even tried to get pregnant, so I cannot possibly truly identify with the plight of infertiles, but their stories provided me comfort. These women were open about their loss, they were strong, and persistent and creative and inspirational. They were dealing with an issue that ruled their lives, but over which they had very little control. I identified with that. Trying to seize control over the things that you can, while acknowledging and accepting that which is beyond controlling. I don't know what category or community my blog would fit into. If anyone has suggestions please let me know. I am writing because it has always been cathartic, because I am desperate and don't know what else to do. I need a channel, a life raft, a salve, an ear, something, to aid me in the journey. Because right now it is really hard. It constantly hurts. The future is unknown. I need strength and comfort.