Thank God I did not go there. I do not think it was some sort of fated decision. I just think I know him and his behavior and lifestyle. It was a gut feeling. He was at a work dinner until 10:30. There is no giving in this. He said he's waiting for me to act a certain way, to stop blaming him, before he wants to be with me. That don't I understand how destructive blaming is and so why would I do it. To which I would say, quit fucking up. He is blameworthy for things. He broke up with me. Out of nowhere. He WATCHED ME SUFFER and did nothing, provided me no comfort or consolation or explanation. And now he can't deal with life. I hate to admit this, but I'm experiencing a little bit of schadenfreude in his misery at work situation. He cannot take responsibility for his actions. He broke up with me, broke my heart, and continues to do nothing because it doesn't affect his life. Selfish asshole! These are things I cannot say to him, because for now, I have not nailed the coffin, and even if/when it's nailed, I want to come across as the saintly girlfriend that I really am and not stoop to the level of name calling. So I am getting it out here. Fucking asshole narcissistic self-centered passive aggressive bastard! I trusted him, I invested in him, he broke my heart, watched me suffer and did nothing except by inaction keep stepping on my heart and squishing it more every day. He has not responded to any of my sincere expressions of emotion and has somehow instead painted me to be the evil nagging bitch. Fuck him! I am a nice person. Doting. Caring. It is not an act. It is part of what defines me. And to try to twist that to rationalize and justify his own behavior is disgusting. There are always defenses. He won't even own up to his own betrayals, transgressions, mistakes, inadequacies. He defends them to death, even if it involves circular logic and indirect lies. And then he accuses me of being defensive and accusatory, of being deliberately mean. Fuck!
Okay, deep breaths. The confusion and betrayal and disappointment is suffocating. How one person can have this much control over your life is so depressing and maladaptive. I have to stop making excuses for him. He told me it's so stressful to talk because we just fight. That he's waiting to have a normal conversation. Well things were normal this summer, happy, joyful even, and yet, that's when he broke up with me. Because we weren't talking about things. He never takes ownership. He just reacts, blames, justifies. Makes me look like the crazy bitch. He has set this up so that I would be so hurt I would act terribly towards him, because I'm too damn nice otherwise, and then he can blame me.
The irony of spending New Years ending something is not lost on me. I hate New Years anyway. I'm viewing this as a trip for closure. I'm going to hold his feet to the fire. I am not going to lose my cool. He will tell me I'm stressing him out, he's just trying to have a good time, why do I always have to blame him and dwell on the past. And then, he will abandon me and say it's because we're not talking about things and we can't communicate. WE! He left me with no explanation. In the middle of happiness. It's so fucking insane! And now I'm the criminal. I do not understand how this happened. I am going to focus on the promise of my future. I'm going to be thankful for the anger that may help me understand that this is a horrible situation, always had a terrible fate, despite my long-term, years-long delusion to the contrary, and that just maybe I have dodged a bullet.
I need to take control back. Maybe I will write him a letter? He's so god damn sensitive. Why? Because he's guilty. Guilty people become enraged when you point out their transgressions or try to be logical or rational. It infuriates them. Because their goal is to avoid the truth. And people who are actually committed to a relationship are not the types who want to just have a good time and avoid conflict or resolution. Because they're in it for the short term.
That is what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a list of talking points. Print it out. Bring it with me. A choose your own adventure. A list of positives. A list of negatives (aka concerns). And a list of acceptable options, which will not include continuing on in this way. It pisses me off that I am the one who has to do this, but I am not counting on him for anything anymore. He has reached scumbag status. God, and if you knew him! He comes across as a fucking saint! So deceptive. Calm, cool, collected, thoughtful, kind, sensitive. These could go on my good list, except they're only delusions. Fuck! What if I can't find anything for the good list? Hmm...maybe that's my answer. More positively, I have reached independent, self-sufficient, promising, hopeful status. Take control of my life status. Deserving of love status. Or at least I'm getting closer to it. Fuck him!
Showing posts with label trying to be positive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying to be positive. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Ugh!
Indecision plagues me! I did not drive. I tried to get things done last night. Went to bed at 3:30. Set my alarm for 6. And went back to sleep. I just couldn't do it. I think it was a good move. But it's still frustrating. After being so angry he sent me a text last night saying he had just gotten home from work, was pooped, and was looking forward to seeing me at New Years. That was it. It's like he has a personality disorder. Or mood disorder. Emotion regulation problems?
Just totally dismissed everything. And for some reason that made me more angry and made me not want to go there. Partly because it didn't feel like such an emergency. Partly because I've just been let down so many times. I just kept thinking he probably wouldn't even be there. And turns out he's not getting off work until around 9:30 tonight. I would have gotten so pissed and emotional if I were sitting in a cold car waiting for him to get home after driving 10 hours. Only to have him get up at 5 to go to work again. It really was a crazy move. I think it would have been setting myself up to not feel appreciated again. I have still not ruled it out in the future. It provides an odd sense of comfort and control to know that it's an option, whether I take it or not. And maybe that was another reason I didn't do it. It would be a last resort. I could only do it once. It would be really dramatic. And doing it now would take away the option. Ugh! It's still frustrating. Because I still feel like I'm just waiting.
Anyway, we are supposed to talk at 9:30 tonight. We'll see whether that happens, how punctually it happens, and how productive the conversation will be. I do not have high hopes.
So in the spirit of being more positive, I am going to focus on things I've accomplished, nice moments. I slept late this morning, which felt great. But to veer from the positive for a minute, it's really ridiculous that I stay in bed an average of 14 hours a day and that part of me enjoys it. But I don't think I really enjoy it. I think the avoidance of everything else is more tolerable than facing it, so by comparison it feels like a better option, even though in the long run it's not.
Okay, back to positive. I've done nearly everything I need to for my applications. It has been really tough emotionally. It's still going to be tough, but I've done the majority of the painful part that I can do right now. I had dinner with a really close friend and the two children she takes care of. It lifted my spirits. Gave me some perspective. Gave me motivation to persevere, to see this, all of this stuff right now, as a setback, a relapse, a temporary purgatory. I've had a couple of people tell me that this could be seen as an opportunity. I have no commitments, no responsibilities, only a world of possibilities in front of me. I never think of it like that. It's hard for me to. But I'm trying to do that. To embrace this seeming hell as a unique chance for reinvention and new chances and experiences. I realize that it's rare for anyone to have that. It's just tough when it's not in line with where you want your life to be. When you've spent years investing in a relationship, in a job, in a graduate program that you literally will not get any credit for. It's hard for me to see it as a move forward, as a new chapter, instead of as a major setback, a loss, a waste of time, accompanied by a huge amount of suffering. But I'm trying. I get the logic of it. Why not enjoy limbo while you're in it, right? I'm trying to give myself time to heal, while also working towards moving forward, out of the limbo.
I've been thinking about writing a post about goals, about how I would ideally envision my future, a fantasy, with parts that could come true, because it's been so blank for the last six months or so. I've always been hesitant about things like that, about counting on anything, because it can always blow up in your face at any moment, as I have just seen. But that is not a reason not to dream or plan. Because if you don't, you will live in fear. Yes, things can change, and inevitably they will. I think the key is to have an outline of a plan, but to keep it constantly open to alterations. Make it a living document. I will do it soon. I think it will be a good challenge for me, a leap of faith, a change in cognition, a realization of what it is that I really want right now.
Just totally dismissed everything. And for some reason that made me more angry and made me not want to go there. Partly because it didn't feel like such an emergency. Partly because I've just been let down so many times. I just kept thinking he probably wouldn't even be there. And turns out he's not getting off work until around 9:30 tonight. I would have gotten so pissed and emotional if I were sitting in a cold car waiting for him to get home after driving 10 hours. Only to have him get up at 5 to go to work again. It really was a crazy move. I think it would have been setting myself up to not feel appreciated again. I have still not ruled it out in the future. It provides an odd sense of comfort and control to know that it's an option, whether I take it or not. And maybe that was another reason I didn't do it. It would be a last resort. I could only do it once. It would be really dramatic. And doing it now would take away the option. Ugh! It's still frustrating. Because I still feel like I'm just waiting.
Anyway, we are supposed to talk at 9:30 tonight. We'll see whether that happens, how punctually it happens, and how productive the conversation will be. I do not have high hopes.
So in the spirit of being more positive, I am going to focus on things I've accomplished, nice moments. I slept late this morning, which felt great. But to veer from the positive for a minute, it's really ridiculous that I stay in bed an average of 14 hours a day and that part of me enjoys it. But I don't think I really enjoy it. I think the avoidance of everything else is more tolerable than facing it, so by comparison it feels like a better option, even though in the long run it's not.
Okay, back to positive. I've done nearly everything I need to for my applications. It has been really tough emotionally. It's still going to be tough, but I've done the majority of the painful part that I can do right now. I had dinner with a really close friend and the two children she takes care of. It lifted my spirits. Gave me some perspective. Gave me motivation to persevere, to see this, all of this stuff right now, as a setback, a relapse, a temporary purgatory. I've had a couple of people tell me that this could be seen as an opportunity. I have no commitments, no responsibilities, only a world of possibilities in front of me. I never think of it like that. It's hard for me to. But I'm trying to do that. To embrace this seeming hell as a unique chance for reinvention and new chances and experiences. I realize that it's rare for anyone to have that. It's just tough when it's not in line with where you want your life to be. When you've spent years investing in a relationship, in a job, in a graduate program that you literally will not get any credit for. It's hard for me to see it as a move forward, as a new chapter, instead of as a major setback, a loss, a waste of time, accompanied by a huge amount of suffering. But I'm trying. I get the logic of it. Why not enjoy limbo while you're in it, right? I'm trying to give myself time to heal, while also working towards moving forward, out of the limbo.
I've been thinking about writing a post about goals, about how I would ideally envision my future, a fantasy, with parts that could come true, because it's been so blank for the last six months or so. I've always been hesitant about things like that, about counting on anything, because it can always blow up in your face at any moment, as I have just seen. But that is not a reason not to dream or plan. Because if you don't, you will live in fear. Yes, things can change, and inevitably they will. I think the key is to have an outline of a plan, but to keep it constantly open to alterations. Make it a living document. I will do it soon. I think it will be a good challenge for me, a leap of faith, a change in cognition, a realization of what it is that I really want right now.
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