Bliss of Sleep?

My life is repeating itself all over again. I've wasted months of it! I spent all of July and August and September in a haze, and October and November and December, and now January? Worse? In a haze! Again! My head is spinning. I don't know what to think, what to do. Is it a matter of effort? Mere miscommunication? Fundamental absence of love? I asked him what I could do. He wouldn't give me anything. Nothing. I woke up this morning with stabbing knives in my abdomen again. They came back to find me. I am incapacitated. Miserable. Is he making excuses? Has he held back the whole time because of excuses? Can you allow real love to just drift away? I feel sick. Raw. Hurt. And I can't call him. Never really could. He's never there. And feels smothered by the attention I did give him, by the times we actually could be together. He was always running away. From the very beginning. Physically and emotionally. What do I do about that?

Right now I breathe. And make sure I eat. And stay hydrated. And not cry. Because crying will just give me a headache. It's cloudy outside. It's awful. And miserable. The world feels empty.