Now

It's been awhile since I've written. I've had ups and downs at surprising levels, I suppose. Although what is surprising? I've become more grounded, I think. E is here this week. I sent him letters, 8 or 9. Letters. He wrote back twice by email. The first time he told me he wanted to see me while he was here, on his vacation. I said of course. I kept my sweet, placid demeanor. My at peace, centered stance. I was surprised by how unfazed I was by his response. Happy, content, moved, but unfazed. It was weird. But it just was.

I went to pick him up on Monday, just to see him, to spend time with him. And I was also remarkably unfazed by that. I have tried, since, and I've seen him 4 or so times, to stay calm, honest, centered. It has worked, pretty much, especially at first. But now I feel neglected, unloved, unwanted, unresponded to. I don't know what to do next. He leaves on Tuesday. I don't know what we'll say, what will happen, what my life will be like after that.

I went out to dinner with my mother and her friends tonight, while he went out with his parents. I don't like my mother's friends. They are amusing, and enjoyable enough, but extremely superficial, surficial. It disturbs me, often. It was uncomfortable. And one of her friends' daughter has a baby, a five month old, with my name, which I find odd. No one else did. That's a different story. But it was odd. And she was talking about her daughter, this girl I used to know, and her baby, and how things were with her, and I nodded and tried to be in a zen place of acceptance and understanding and acknowledgment, and to some extent I was. And then the woman next to me says, oh, so you two are the same age? and she has a baby? ha ha...no pressure or anything, right? and i was thinking how inappropriate this was. and then my mother kept repeating it, and i could tell that it bothered her, which bothered me too.

Because I am on a quest right now, to be a strong, independent-minded, whole, centered, person. A person, not just a woman, not just a child, not just a girlfriend, or employee, or any other label. I am trying to be me. And I would like to have support to do that. I would like for my life to be validated. I would like my mother, and my boyfriend who's not really my boyfriend to get me, to understand me, so I don't have to hide anything, I don't have to dance around issues, I don't have to beg for sympathy, I don't have to worry about being abandoned. I'm sick of it! sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i want to get married, to have children, to be in love, to have the career that i want, and i also want to be able to be a happy person without all of that, to have those things only add to my life, to not define me. and i feel like i have no support in that endeavor. and i don't know if E is capable of filling that role. I don't know if he is capable of true support, understanding, selflessness. I don't know if he's the person I seek. I know that he's the closest I've found. I know that i feel constantly that i have to convince him, that its not natural, that its exhausting. that i've had this nagging sense that it isn't real, that he isn't really in it, doesnt talk about a future, doesnt make signs of a commitment, and that then he abandoned me, in the weakest, most immature way imaginable. and that it feels now like i cant get angry with him for this, that i cant bring it up bc he's too goddamn fragile. he'll break. he'll leave me. he doesn't care enough.

and i have held out hope through our entire relationship that this would change, that he would reach out to me, and it hasn't, not permanently, not substantially.

i'm tired of being angry, being bitter. for awhile i can extend myself, sacrifice myself, see how this plays out without argument and dissent as a convenient excuse. i can do it bc i think it will help me move on with my life, whether with him or someone else, or alone. just to live. i need to not feel regret and what ifs. i need to know reality, the truth, to at least attempt to break through to him even if its not really possible.

i am trying to see this time, this experience, as a gift. this is life. it has been given to me. it is challenging, disappointing. but it is life!!!!!! life!!!! and i'm going to celebrate it, appreciate it, make the best of it. find love. real love. real intimacy and connection. because i think thats the most rewarding experience of life. and i'm not going to feel sorry for myself. i'm going to get this out here, process it, proceed in the way that i want to proceed, in the way i want to be perceived right now. i'm going to see what is possible, what will happen. i'm going to love with abandon, including myself, because that is the only way that will bring me answers, clarity and fulfillment.

Venting Thoughts

I have been staying with my mother during this time of relative crisis. It has been nice to have the refuge and the absence of rent and the sometimes-presence of people. But it's also become a slightly dysfunctional situation. I am not sure if it's better to be here or to take a risky plunge and move to something else. Because of logistics I have to stay here for at least another month or so. She is sometimes fine and supportive, but can have a tendency towards moodiness and irrationality. It's a seesaw of added stress and added support.

I have been toying with the idea still of driving the 10 hours to see E. He is selectively responding to my text messages, which is frustrating, and reflective of his typical style of passive aggression. He avoids what he does not want to answer or address, without any further acknowledgment. I was thinking of going tomorrow, but I need to do applications that are due tomorrow, and I'm also nervous about the entire prospect. It has been comforting to have it as an option, but I'm just not sure whether to actually do it or not. I may go Tuesday. I'll see. I don't know what it would accomplish. If we spend New Years together, it would take away the anxiety of nothingness looming in the future. But it's been 3 months since we've even seen each other at all, and that was only briefly. We don't really talk anymore. It's horrible. Part of me hopes that driving there would make a statement, that maybe some clarity would come? Or that at least it would make the New Years trip less dramatic, fewer expectations. I just don't know when to stop hoping.

Actually, now that I think about it, as much as I'm beyond irritated that I am always the instigator of all things, the soother, the problem solver, and yet I get burned, the reality of my situation now is that I am inert, frozen, confused, in pain, and with a lot of unscheduled time. What do I have to lose? He sent me a text yesterday saying that he was really nervous about the New Years trip. That seriously pissed me off. I have no sympathy. He comes across as so weak. It scares me and frustrates me. At the same time, what good is waiting for him doing? I need clarity one way or another. This is potentially the rest of my life. This has been the focus of my life for over 4 years. It's not so easy to just let go and move on. In fact, it's impossible, despite all the professions from others to the contrary.

Sang a Christmas Carol

That was progress. The sun was out today and I drove to the beach for a walk and some vitamin D and I actually sang along in the car to a Christmas song. It struck me even at the moment that that was maybe the most lighthearted I had felt in six months. Wow. I cannot believe it's been that long. Seriously unbelievable. It's so depressing.

So I was going okay with my plan that I posted about last time, except that I failed to take note of the fact that boeuf bourguignon takes 8 hours to make. I made it. And an orange Bavarian cream. Which all sounded lovely, but it took forever and, disappointingly, neither tasted fabulous. I then started feeling sorry for myself and watched TV movies until 6 AM. Yes. 6 AM. Not a good move. I started crying uncontrollably. Definitely harder than I've been able to cry in 6 months, which made me mad at myself and feel sorry for myself at the time, but maybe in the end it was cathartic? I don't know. I slept fitfully and into most of the next day and woke up with a pounding headache. Stayed in bed nearly the whole day feeling completely miserable.

Forgive relapses. That's what I keep telling myself. When I finally hit a wall of boredom or sadness or something along those lines, I made myself take a bath, which seemed a cliche thing to do, but actually did help, and at least snapped me into semi-awareness. I spent most of Monday in bed, too, despite the best of intentions, but then went to dinner with the friend I was supposed to spend time with Sunday, but didn't because I couldn't get out of bed. Wow this is bad. She revived me. Not her, but just getting out and having a conversation with someone. And her mother started texting her panicked and in the midst of a crisis, which sort of put my life in perspective, but also did not do much to sustain my faith in marriage. She has been married for something like 35 years, and her husband is apparently still, or maybe newly, being a colossal dickhead. So upsetting.

Today I was somewhat back on track. I woke up at a decent hour even though I didn't want to, because I had to drive my mom to get her car fixed. It was sunny and rejuvenating. I felt so much better all day. Maybe getting up early is a key? I just don't know how to make myself do it. I set my alarm every morning for 8:00, but I just hit it and go back to sleep. It never works. Anyway, I resumed beach walking today, which was good for my soul and definitely energizing. Later in the day I started to feel deprived of social interaction and sort of alone, which was tough. I called a friend, but she was in the middle of things. I made some progress on my applications, though not nearly as much as I needed to, but that's not the point. I'm trying to be proud of small steps. It was a vast improvement from staying in bed all day with a sobfest hangover.

The latest news is that E has suggested going away for New Years. Actually, that is not correct. I pushed and cajoled him into it, which I am on some level ashamed of, but I'm also taking the nothing to lose approach right now. I don't want to have any regrets. He won't take action and I'm immobilized in the process. It has to stop. I told him my fear was that he would back out of the trip and that nothing would change afterwards. He reassured me that he would not back out of the trip, but said he could not reassure me of anything else, that he was tired of the stress of decisions and wanted to take it a step at a time. Okay, so this instantly terrifies me. Am I being a complete moron? Am I walking into a non-deliberate trap? I'm going to go there and get close to him again and nothing will change and I will be living in hell and be sent several steps back in this process.

On the other hand, it's at least time to see him, uninterrupted, which we have not had since I can't even remember when. The closest thing was last New Years, but we were with friends for all but a couple of days of it so I don't even really count that. This would be three to four days of uninterrupted us-ness. I hate to admit it, but it sounds blissful to me. Even after all this. That either makes me a pathetic masochist or it's a sign that there is something real and meaningful to this, to us. I've always had the feeling that if we could just be together things would be okay. But he does not seem to share that sentiment. And he is actively, and has actively, prevented that togetherness from happening. And he still seems to be dragging his feet. It all seems so illogical, but that's why I think I keep getting myself in this situation over and over again. Because I keep thinking that something has to change this time because the pieces don't add up, but there have to be pieces I'm just not seeing. So should I prepare myself for the worst but go anyway? Hope for the best, give my all and enjoy it? Refuse to go, which by default would probably end the relationship for good. Although, interestingly he didn't want to go anywhere with me initially because he thought it would be too stressful. I had to convince him. God, this is so depressing.

I have to go. I may regret it, but I feel I have no choice. My goal will be resolution, however that has to happen, in whichever direction it will happen. Yes, it's scary and I may be committing emotional suicide. But my gut is telling me to do it anyway. And it may scar me even farther, but I'm not sure how that's possible. And even if it is, it won't kill me. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane. I feel like I am pouring water out of a bottle and it is defying gravity, floating up instead of pouring out. The outcome is so baffling and bizarre that I assume it must be a fluke and so keep pouring and pouring, assuming this time that it will drop out of the bottle. But I'm failing to miss that I have somehow, inexplicably, entered an anti-gravity chamber, remote a possibility as that may seem. And so all my attempts are futile. The outcome and explanation are complete outliers, making them unlikely, but plausible, and unfortunately, mind-bogglingly real and true.

My inability to change the situation may lead me to resort to finger crossing and prayers. Which will undoubtedly fail, but maybe at least I'll gain insight into the situation by going? I'm hoping. I've spent over 4 years with this person and never saw this coming, but maybe now I will look for different things, ask different questions. I am just hoping, hoping that A) he will not back out, B) we will not spend the whole time either fighting or in silence, and C) that there is some resolution, some clarity and change in both heart and circumstance afterward. And if I dare, D) that he will somehow break through all communication barriers, emerge doubt-free, seek intimacy and be the committed and doting partner that I have always envisioned him being. I'll let you know how those turn out.

Gray. And more gray.

I'm not doing well. And I don't mean in a throw myself a pity party and wallow kind of way. I'm actually worried about myself. And still torn between courses of action. I thought about driving ten hours to where E lives. For the last week or two that thought gave me some sort of comfort, a sense of control. I could decide at any point to do that or not. I was going to leave tomorrow. Except that I talked to him last night. And he told me he is using his one day off to drive to see a friend whose father just died. Good guy right? That's what a nice person, a thoughtful friend would do. And yet I can't help but think he has a day off and he's going to see his friend and not me. I am not an emergency. I am not a priority. Except that I should be. A friend in need should be visited, should be seen. But when your entire life and relationship is falling apart and the person you love is depressed and miserable and having constant breakdowns, and you're using your limited amount of time as an excuse for why you can't be there for her, then maybe the best course of action is to delay seeing that friend, to send flowers and a note and a call to that friend, and deal with what's really important.

And what's worse is that I can't tell him this because he already constantly thinks I'm criticizing him, nagging him, blaming him. To which I would say, then quit screwing up. Quit being a coward and make a fucking decision. And maybe that is his decision. Treating me like this should cause me to make a decision. But I can't. It's killing me. Wow. This is really bad. And not at all my purpose when I started writing this. What I was going to say is that I talked to him yesterday and a part of it was nice. I don't feel any better. At all. I don't feel loved or wanted or prioritized. I have hoped and been let down so many times. And he still won't give me a clear answer. How would this ever survive? I don't know. But I have to feel like I did everything I could. I won't be able to move on if I don't.

He told me I should have gotten a job by now if I wanted one. He doesn't understand that I'm not doing that because I'm making him my first priority. But he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be responsible. He's willing to risk losing me. If I did nothing to fight for this he would just move on. Again. I'm always pushing and pushing and hoping for a breakthrough. I can't decide whether to keep going or give up and move on. But I tried to move on and it didn't work. It made me more miserable. I don't think I'm there yet. But I need to expedite the situation or it's going to kill me. Which is why I'm trying to take control of it. Which is why I was going to drive there. I think I still might. It may do nothing. But right now I am doing nothing. And maybe it will feel like I'm making a step I need to make. I don't know. I just need to keep it on the table. I'm considering going on the 14th. Monday. Right now that's the most logical time. He doesn't have a day off. But if he did he'd probably be visiting a friend. God, this is so pathetic! It's unbelievable. I never ever thought I'd end up in a situation like this. And he somehow justifies it. Rationalizes the whole thing. Seems to question my very worth as a human, as a partner. It's humiliating. How is it possible to love someone so completely, to be willing to do anything for him, and then be treated like this? I am not that type of person. I don't know how it happened.

But now I have to get through it and out of it somehow. It's not coming easily. And I can practically feel myself aging and time slipping through my fingers constantly. I have decided on two things. They may change. But right now I need some sense of control to pull myself out of the icky mess of stagnation that I'm in. He says that he is going to come see me this weekend. I don't believe him. It's in six days and he doesn't have a ticket. I'm not going to count on that. I'm going to plan to drive there on the 14th. I'm going to leave at 7 AM, which with an hour stop, should put me there at 5. Maybe I'll leave at 8. He's never off work by 5. I'm not sure yet whether or not to tell him. Because knowing him the whole thing will go to hell and he'll have something else going on or be out of town inexplicably or have a friend over. And that will just be extremely frustrating and humiliating. And he won't have time to talk. But it will be a gesture. It will make me feel like I've done something. Like I have some sense of control. And I hate to admit this, but my body is aching for affection. Not sex, just being held. At this point I would probably let a convicted criminal spoon me. Maybe it would destroy me emotionally to sleep with him (and I really mean sleep, not "sleep"), but it might be somewhat healing. I don't know. I will report back. His birthday is in a couple of weeks. It may mean nothing to him, but I decided I'm going to give him a present. Which may seem ridiculous to people. But people won't know. It's none of their business. And this is a person I've loved and been with for years now and I am taking the high road. I never want him to be able to say I didn't do every positive gesture, to ever say that I was mean or neglectful or anything else terrible. I figure if we are ever together, it will have been something positive, and if we're not, I will have done all I could and it will be easier to move on. I hope.

The second thing is that I'm going to continue in my life, at least in action, as though I am not going to be with him. This may take awhile to fully take effect. But I have to do it. He told me to get a job. Away from him. What more do I need? I cannot count on a miracle. At the same time I can't play games or feel like I'm not being honest with him about my feelings and needs and desires and like I've done everything I can for this to work. Plus there may be literal deadlines because I will have to make grad school decisions. It may make me go through emotional hell again, but I feel like it's better to spend some time trying to make this work than giving up now. At least we'll know. Not that maybe it's not known now. But it's not. Not to the deepest part of me. And that's what matters. I'm in hell now. I can go through a different kind of it if it will bring me knowledge and clarity and the ability to move forward. I wish I could drop it. Honestly I do. Of course I also wish he would just love me and treat me well and make a commitment to me and we would live happily ever after. But if that is not going to be possible, then I wish I could drop it. Get over him. Have an E substitute waiting in the wings. Start planning a wedding. But all of that is crazy. It is a gray issue, as all are.

I am going to have to strike a balance between persistently pushing him to make a decision, no matter how hurtful it is, because I have realized I cannot give up on him on my own and I cannot continue living in waiting. It's devastating and humiliating. And moving forward with my life. Because I am depressed. And it's killing me. And I'm not willing to waste my life. I have to move beyond this. But I'm afraid what will happen is I will make a move and he'll say, see, I guess it's not going to work, I guess this didn't really mean anything to you. It's insane logic. Totally insane. Which is why I don't want to just move on without yes, even more of a fight. It's insane. I know. But there has to be a balance between moving on and fighting. I have to do both simultaneously and constantly reassess as things continue. I am hoping for light. Praying for it. And I don't pray.

I have become depressed and paralyzed. I need to get out of this. I have a headache that is immune to massive quantities of Advil consumption. I think this is a message from my body. And my brain. Save us! You're better than this! In the short term,...dear God it's almost 1:00. I can't believe this. But that's fine. I'm being positive. It's not dark yet. Although it's horribly gray and dreary and rainy. And will soon be completely dark. Awesome. I am going to get up and put on a show on Hulu. I'm going to get dressed, make myself look decent, and go downstairs and eat some fruit and juice and milk and peanut noodles. Then I am going to bundle up and go to the beach. Yes, in the rain and ickiness. Because it is peaceful and I need fresh air and a walk. I'm losing it in here. I'm going to call my grandmother on the phone. I'm going to go to my favorite nail salon and get one of those 10 minute chair massages. Because I need physical contact and anxiety reduction.

I'm going to come back home and straighten my room and start some laundry, and work on my applications and plow through my to do list. Okay, plow is too strong a word. I am going to accomplish a couple of items. I am going to do something nice for myself tonight. I don't know what that is yet. Maybe read a book? Wow, we're digging to the bottom of the barrel here. Should I go by the bookstore? Maybe. But that might be too ambitious for today. I need something I could feel a modicum of excitement about. Cooking? Maybe I could find a recipe and then stop by the store for ingredients? I had wanted to make Julia's boeuf bourguignon. But I don't know if I want to touch raw beef. I thought about a movie, but I don't really like movies. I need to create something. Maybe I will do the boeuf. Maybe the grocery store will be my post massage trip? Wow, I have the resemblance of an actual plan. Yay for behavioral activation! Although I could be losing out on time. Realistically I won't leave here until 2. I would be home around 4. I suppose I could wait and start the boeuf at 8? Have it be an evening activity? To do list first? Yes, I could do that. Or maybe I won't. But it's at least a plan instead of a vast empty nothingness of sadly wasted time.

Tomorrow I am having brunch with a good friend. It makes me upset to talk about my current non-relationship situation, but I just won't talk about that. Because she's a good friend. We have fun together. And I want to see her. And I can't let my depression and shame overtake me. Because they could. If I don't fight them. I'm going to take a shower, and style my hair, and wear something cute. And then after brunch I'm going to go see a movie with my cousin. These are plans. Temporary, but real. And they might keep me afloat. I will go from there. Monday more to do listing? More beach walking? I may even do a beach walk tomorrow morning before brunch. That may be too ambitious but it is at least an option. The problem is that I feel better after making these plans, but then I don't actually want to do them. And that scares me. Because these are not horrible or monumental things. Ordinarily they would be enjoyable. But somehow they're not. Red flag #1 of depression. I've got to get out of it. Maybe if I start doing, start laughing, even if I relapse on occasion, I will slowly move forward, make some progress. I have to.

I spent one entire day this week doing applications that I hated. I am proud of myself. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it. It was a horrible, aversive, emotional experience with a lot of pressure. But I did it. I have more to do, but I often don't congratulate myself enough on accomplishments, no matter how small. I focus on what I have not done. I made two hair appointments. Got up and went when I didn't really want to. Fought off a feeling of panic at one of them. I know that this signifies major levels of pathetic-ness and distress. But I am not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the positive things.

Positive Focus:

In spite of my splitting incurable headache and creeping depression, I am in good health. I am (relatively) young. Age is always relative. It could be worse. I can still reach my goals. My life has not ended. There is room for positive, non-debilitating experiences. I have family members who I enjoy and can actually stand to be around. Not all of them, but there are enough. They have been a support. Even just by existing. I don't know what I would do without them. Even though my friends are sick of hearing my neverending non-relationship saga and feel sorry for me, I have them. I have an entire handful of good friends who are solid people. I might be dead without them. In spite of incredible searing pain from my current experience, I have had 2 truly amazing experiences with love. Some people never even have one. Even married people.

Day Two

I called him. I couldn't help it. I fell asleep right after talking to a very good and patient friend late last night and so never turned my phone off. I woke up very early this morning (not at all like me) and very suddenly. At that moment sleep seemed like an escape. All I wanted was to be able to go back to sleep because then I wouldn't think about him. I wouldn't feel the pain. I reached for my phone out of instinct and saw that there were still no messages and just lost it. Without thinking it through I dialed him and got his voicemail. I knew he was at work (he works very early and has very long days). It surprised me, but I felt somewhat better. I was actually able to fall back asleep.

A couple of hours later he texted me. I literally sighed with relief. He didn't say much of anything, but just acknowledged that I had called. I asked him why he hadn't called me. He said because he was a wreck, that he was miserable and depressed and catatonic and had lost control of his emotions. I hate to admit this, but I was glad to know he was so distraught. Because it made him human. It made what we had real. It validated it. You don't feel that kind of pain over someone you didn't care about. I didn't feel so alone in my suffering, even if he wasn't reaching out to me. It was also refreshing to feel sympathy instead of anger for a moment. Anger is exhausting. I wrote him a very long text telling him I felt out of options, that I felt forced to cut off communication with him, even though it was killing me and was not what I wanted. He didn't respond. Several hours later I turned off my phone. It is still off and will stay that way tonight.

I ran errands this afternoon (it took me most of the day to get up enough energy even to do that) and felt hope again for an instant. I'm not sure if I'm delusional, or a masochist, or just exceptionally and uncharacteristically optimistic, but I felt an inkling of hope. It gave me a little bit of energy. Maybe it was talking to him, knowing he was so upset about this, and that that might lead him not to give up. Maybe it's for survival, because without it I would not be able to get out of bed. I don't know, but right now I can't control it. But maybe it's keeping me in limbo? I just can't let go. As much as I wish I could, I can't, because it's not what I want. At least it's not what I've wanted. He is about a nine hour drive from where I currently am. I thought about driving there. Just showing up at his door to see what happened. Part of me is too scared of more rejection and emotional turmoil, of engaging in the act of a desperate, crazy person. But having the thought, having the option, oddly provided comfort. It gave me a tiny bit of control. I don't have to do it, but it's comforting to know that if things become more dire, if I feel more desperate, I could do it. What's the worst that could happen? It won't kill me. And I'm not sure how it could be worse than what I've gone through, worse than what I feel right now.

Short term goals. Right now I am trying to be nice to myself. To eat enough, to try to sleep, to limit my stress. I have to get myself back up to baseline to be able to move forward, to make progress. It's almost like I've fallen below the level of limbo, like I have to work through limbo first to be able to move beyond it. God, this is moving so slowly. Time is speeding and creeping at the same time. I am inert, and yet this is my life. This is how I'm spending it, this day, these months. It's so depressing. I feel like I'm taking baby steps forward and then being shoved back even farther than where I started.