13 Days

It's been 13 days. I am staying afloat. But that's mostly all. My brother was here. He just left and I'm sad. It helped to have him here. I have now sent 6 letters to E. I really did send them without any expectation of a response. In fact, for the first few days, I would have been shocked if I'd received one. That has changed. It is starting to hurt me. I've gotten nothing back. They were nice letters. They were only positive. I'm going to send 3 more, including a package, maybe zucchini bread. I'm going to make him a crossword puzzle. And a glittered picture of us. And then he will be here, on his vacation. Or at least part of it here. And I want him to come to me, to come find me.

I just wonder what he's thinking when he gets home every day and there's another letter from me. More and more and more. What does he think? How does he react? Does he smile? Feel annoyed? Stressed? Does he read them? Reread them? Keep them? Throw them away? Rip them up? Does he think of me before he falls asleep? During the day? Is he lost and confused or is he planning to do something? Will he ever write me back? Call me while he's here?

If he doesn't find me while I'm here. If he doesn't call or come by or see me, I will be devastated. In fact, I think that week is going to be tough, waiting for him. But regardless, I'm going to go to him. I'm going to drive there after his vacation. I have to. Even if I'm devastated. Maybe because of it. I'm walking through fire. I need a way to heal.